Everything
by p-inkjeans
Summary: Continuation of Confessions.
1. One

**Disclaimer**: They're Dick's.  
**Author's Notes**: Well, I know I said Confessions was just a one shot and would not have a sequel or a second chapter or anything...but I couldn't get rid of this. It keeps coming to me in dreams (which really freaks me out to tell you the truth), so I'm writing it. It's different from pretty much anything I've ever written before and will only continue to get more different as time goes on. Stick with me and I'll do my best not to let you down. This first chapter (there will most likely be several more) is a late birthday present for Christina - I hope you enjoy ;). I can't promise I'll update soon, but I'll do my best. Let me know what you think.

Read Confessions before reading this. It picks up where that left off.

* * *

"Okay," Casey says, sighing heavily and rolling her eyes at her friend from across the table. "What's going on with you?" 

Olivia shakes her head and rubs her hand over her eyes. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

"Something's obviously up. You've been acting weird all week, Liv," Casey says softly. She waits, then rolls her eyes again when Olivia remains silent, thinking of how to best broach the subject. "Is this about Elliot?"

God knows she's always thought that subtlety is the best choice.

Olivia looks up suddenly, her eyes wide and tries to think of something to say. "Wh-why would it be about Elliot?"

"Because you made me meet you outside the precinct for lunch - I'm assuming so I wouldn't be able to ask him to go with us, and when I asked you where he was, you were so flustered you couldn't even answer. I know you guys have been working nonstop all week and you're exhausted, but there's something more going on and I'm betting it has to do with him. What happened?"

Olivia drops her forehead to her hands, her elbows resting on the table, and groans. "I have no idea."

Casey grins. "That sounds dramatic. What happened, Liv?"

"I spent all day Saturday with him and the twins," she says, still unable to look at Casey as she speaks. She's never been one for sharing things about her personal life with girlfriends. There were very few people she trusted with her secrets growing up, so she's learned to keep things inside. It wasn't until she was partnered with Elliot that she got used to talking about her past; not until she met this red headed lawyer with incredible manipulation skills that she got used to talking about the men in her life - or the lack thereof. "We played basketball in the park. And then we got pizza and watched a movie at Elliot's and..." she groans again before finally looking Casey in the eye and shaking her head, as if to say, 'fine, you win'. "He kissed me. I left the apartment and he followed me to the elevator and he kissed me."

"About damn time," she mumbles. "Was it a good kiss?" She asks after a moment, raising an eyebrow and smirking.

Olivia's face turns red and she turns away, laughing. "You would ask me that."

"Well, was it?"

Olivia smirks and looks down at her plate of untouched food. "It was..." she hesitates. "Let's just say that I've taken more cold showers on Sunday than I did in the previous four months combined."

"Huh. I'm surprised you haven't run out of batteries instead," Casey jokes. Olivia doesn't respond; she's laughing too hard, and she merely shakes her head, her face reddening even more. "Oh my God, you did, didn't you?"

Olivia rests her forehead on her arm, trying to catch her breath while Casey grins. "People are staring at us, aren't they?"

"Of course, but only because they're jealous of us," Casey assures her, still laughing. She finally manages to stop laughing and looks at Olivia again, noticing the sadness and fear in her eyes, all over a kiss with a man that everyone else knows she's in love with - not that Olivia's figured it out, of course. "Liv, what's the big deal? It's Elliot. So you liked kissing him? Kiss him again. Have sex with him for Pete's sake! Just don't share the details. I'll be jealous...and I'll never be able to look him in the eye again."

"Casey, he's my partner," Olivia whispers, shaking her head. "I can't... I've already screwed up that relationship once and almost lost him. I can't risk losing him for good."

"From the look of things, you two may have already screwed it up," Casey points out, laying her hand on her friend's arm. "But if one kiss has got you two this worked up, maybe there's something even better in store for you two." Olivia doesn't respond and Casey sighs, reaching across the table for the ketchup, pouring some on her plate before speaking again. "Olivia? Do me a favor and talk to him. Figure out how you feel and tell him before it's too late."

"I will," Olivia says softly, running a hand through her hair and leaning back against the booth cushion. Casey raises an eyebrow. "Really. I will. Soon. I promised Dickie I'd go to his baseball game tonight and I'm getting a ride there and back with Elliot, so we should have plenty of time to talk. ...Or maybe just sit there in an awkward silence."

- - -

Elliot stuffs his hands deeper into his pockets and says a silent prayer of thanks that the line at the concession stand is longer than usual. He needs the time to get his thoughts in order before getting into a car with Olivia and driving back to Manhattan from Queens. It's going to be one hell of a ride. After sitting just inches from her on the bleachers for the past hour and a half, he knows it's going to be impossible to ignore what happened on Saturday. He's going to have to talk to her about it somehow or else they'll both explode from the tension. He's trying to formulate a plan in his head, trying to figure out what the hell he's going to say to her when they finally get into the car...and how he's going to grow the balls to actually say it. He's so lost in thought that he doesn't hear footsteps on the concrete behind him as his ex-wife walks towards him. 

"Hey there," Kathy says, putting her hand on his back. He jumps and turns to stare at her for a moment, willing his heart to stop racing. "You okay?" she laughs.

He laughs, too, shaking his head slowly. "Yeah, I'm fine. You just scared me."

"I'm glad you made it tonight," Kathy says after a moment. "I know Dickie was excited you were here. Olivia, too." She glances over at the parking lot where Olivia leans against Elliot's blue Honda Civic and laughs with Kathleen, Lizzie, and Dickie. "It was nice seeing her again. The kids think she's amazing."

Elliot nods absently and then turns to the teenager behind the counter, ordering two bottles of Coke and handing him three dollars and some change. "You're not getting anything?" Elliot asks when she turns to walk away with him.

She shakes her head. "No...I had to ask you a favor. Are you working this weekend?"

"We closed the case this morning," Elliot says, opening his coke and taking a sip. "Don gave me, Liv, John, and Fin until Monday off."

"Would it be okay if the twins spent Saturday night with you? Kathleen's spending the night at a friend's and I don't want them home alone for that long at night."

Elliot nods. "I'd love to have them for an extra night. Why won't you be around, though?"

She reddens slightly and nods when Elliot's eyes show that he finally gets it. "He's... Elliot, I..." she shakes her head, laughing quietly. "Will this ever be easy?"

"Probably not," Elliot says, laughing at the awkwardness along with her. "Kathy, you don't have to worry about it...I'm not angry like I was before. I miss having the kids around all the time, and I miss the way you and I used to be, but... This is better, for both of us, you know? It wasn't good for the kids to be around us fighting all the time and it wasn't good for you to be with me when I couldn't be there for you when you needed me to be."

Kathy smiles softly and lays her hand on his forearm. "What about you? Are you happy?"

Elliot shrugs, a small smile on his face. "Sometimes. Usually."

"You seeing anybody?" Kathy asks, arching an eyebrow at him. He can tell by the look on her face that her real question has something more to do with why Olivia's here tonight.

"I really don't know," he says after a moment, laughing at the absurdity of his answer. Kathy motions toward Olivia and Elliot nods, shrugging. "I don't know... It's... It's complicated."

"Elliot, just tell her how you feel," Kathy says giving him a reassuring smile. "Olivia's too scared to ever tell you first, so you may as well just do it. I guarantee she feels the same way. Hell, she has for years."

"Wait, what?" Elliot says, staring at her in disbelief.

"I'm not saying..." Kathy sighs, shaking her head, unable to believe she got herself into this mess. She doesn't want to be talking about this with him. Her ex-husband, the man she loved for most of her life might be moving on, and despite the fact that she's already started to, it still hurts to think about it. She doesn't want to know and she certainly doesn't want to be in the middle of it. But she still loves him enough to want him to be happy. "It's obvious to anyone who's around you two that she's in love with you. And it's obvious that you're head over heels in love with her." She sees that he's about to speak and shakes her head. "You don't even need to say it, Elliot. I know nothing happened while we were married. If there's one thing I never doubted about you, it's that you are much too honorable for that. And I don't know Olivia enough to make too many judgments about her character, but she has never seemed like the type of person who would have gotten involved with a married man. At least not one whose wife and kids she spent so much time around."

"Kathy..." He shrugs after a moment of trying to find the right words, shaking his head. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not," she says, giving him a reassuring smile. "I'm happy for you, El, if this works out, because I know how you feel for her, and I want you to be happy. I want us both to move on with our lives so that this doesn't have to be weird anymore."

"You know, I know guys whose ex-wives are..." he shakes his head, smirking, unable to find the right description. "Let's just say you're nothing like them."

"I know, I am pretty damn fantastic, aren't I?" she says with a smile and starts walking back towards the parking lot. "I'll drop the kids off at four on Saturday, okay?" He nods, walking beside her in silence. He looks up, catching the sight of Olivia, looking so different from Detective Benson in tight jeans and a low-cut white T-shirt, her head thrown back, laughing at Dickie's Elvis impression. He grins, then looks down at his feet. Kathy smiles at him and rolls her eyes. "You're both so in love that you don't even see it," she says. "Just tell her, Elliot."

"I will," he promises, unable to wipe the smile off of his face when they get close enough that he can hear his partner's laughter.

Kathy watches as Elliot hands her the soda and notices the way she looks at him - quickly, as if she won't allow herself to meet his gaze for too long. The second he turns his back, though, she looks at him again, watching as he puts Dickie in a headlock, both of them laughing. Olivia watches him intently, a small smile on her face, and Kathy can tell that she was right.

They don't stand a chance at ignoring it for long.

- - -

"Want to get a beer?" Elliot asks as he drives off the Queensboro bridge and heads uptown through the streets of Manhattan. It's just after nine and the streets are already dark and uncharacteristically quiet. "Might as well celebrate having a three-day weekend."

Olivia smiles. "Amen. I'm just glad we closed that damn case. I need to catch up on my sleep."

"Yes you do," Elliot smirks. "You're in dire need of some beauty rest," he teases, wincing when she smacks him in the arm. "So what do you say? Let me buy you a beer at O'Malley's?"

"I'm not really in a bar mood," she says with a smile. "I've got beer in my refrigerator. You can buy next time." She turns toward the window. "Besides...we need to talk, don't you think?" She doesn't even have to say, about what happened last weekend. He knows that she's been thinking about it, too.

"Yeah. We do," he says, looking at her out of the corner of his eye. He watches her at the red light, the way she reclines the seat slightly and rests her head against the window, watching the streets outside as they sit in silence.

She turns to look at him after a moment, right before the light changes, a smile spreading across her face when she realizes he was staring at her. He reddens and turns away, but she ignores it. For now. "Dickie's really good at baseball. Did he take after Kathy's side of the family or something?" she teases.

Elliot glares, but can't help the smile that makes it's way to his face at the mention of his son. Truth be known, he'd be proud of him even if he couldn't throw a ball. "The Varsity coach is already talking to him about training and he's only starting ninth grade next year. He wants him starting by the time he's a sophomore."

"Wow, that's great," Olivia says. "Lizzie plays basketball, right?"

"Yeah," Elliot says, then smirks. "She doesn't cheat as much as I do, though."

"She's better than you. She doesn't need to," Olivia tells him as he pulls into a parking spot about a block from her building. She follows him out of the car and they walk the rest of the way to her building and up the three flights of stairs in near silence. Elliot watches as she unlocks the door and then follows her inside, locking it behind them and following her into the kitchen. "Beer or a Smirnoff?" she asks, reaching into her refrigerator.

"Beer," he says, leaning against the counter and raising an eyebrow. "Who drinks Smirnoff?"

"I do," she says with a smirk, and hands him a bottle of Guinness before opening her own bottle of Smirnoff Ice. "It tastes better than that."

"Then why do you have it?" Elliot asks, laughing. "I thought you liked beer."

"Casey drinks it. We had dinner last weekend and she left it here. And I only drink beer when I'm out with you guys so I don't have to hear eight hundred sarcastic comments about women not being able to hold 'real alcohol'," Olivia explains, leaning against the counter with only a few inches between them. "Elliot, I-" "Olivia-" they say at the same time and Olivia smiles. "You first," she tells him and he nods.

"Last weekend..." he starts, looking down at the floor, at their feet right next to each other. He takes a deep breath and starts again, still looking at the floor, staring intently at the pattern of her blue and white linoleum. "I like spending time with you, Liv. I like being around you outside of work."

"Is that why you kissed me?" she asks, smiling slightly.

He laughs. "Yeah. That's why I kissed you." He shrugs and turns to face her. "You just...you looked so beautiful that day. I couldn't let you leave without trying to kiss you."

"Oh, so I look like shit every other day?" she jokes, raising an eyebrow. He rolls his eyes at her and she blushes slightly, looking away. "Sorry. I have trouble taking compliments, I think."

"Wow, I never knew that about you," he says, his words dripping with sarcasm.

She nods a couple of times, laughing quietly, then looks back up at him. "I like spending time with you, too," she tells him, forcing herself to remain serious and not resort to sarcasm and jokes to avoid emotion and truth.

"Is that why you kissed me?" he asks.

She shakes her head and looks down again, the words she's about to speak too full of truth for direct eye contact. "I kissed you because after you kissed me, I lost all powers of thought and reason," she admits, laughing. She turns her head towards him and is met by his lips crashing against hers. She doesn't fight him, even though she feels like there's still more to talk about, and allows him to part her lips with his tongue and stroke it against hers as he presses her against the counter, moving so his body is right in front of hers. She rests her hands on the back of his head, guiding the kiss, and jumps when he slides his hands underneath her shirt to stroke the skin of her sides and stomach. She breaks the kiss, pressing her forehead against his and fighting for air. She moves her hands from his head, her arms wrapping around his neck. "Elliot, what are we doing?"

"I'm not entirely sure what you're doing, but I'm trying to fight the urge to take you up against the counter," he says, his voice heavy with desire as he whispers in her ear.

She laughs at his response, but can feel the wetness between her legs grow at his words and moans slightly when he moves against her, his erection pushing against his jeans as his mouth moves to her neck, to her shoulders, to the area of her chest left exposed by her low-cut t-shirt. "El...we need to talk about this before we do something we regret," she says, his tongue drawing circles on her collar bone. "Elliot."

He nods and looks up at her, his hands still wandering over her body, eliciting a moan when they walk up underneath her shirt and gently pinch her nipple through her black bra. "What do we need to talk about?" he asks, smirking slightly as she arches toward him.

"Elliot," she says firmly, grabbing his wrist and holding his hand still in her shirt. She looks him in the eye and tries to look like she really wants him to stop. She fails miserably. "Please. We need to talk about this first and if you keep doing that, I won't be responsible for my actions." He nods and moves his hands to rest on the small of her back, still pressing her against her counter. "Shouldn't we wait?" she asks after a moment and then looks down towards the floor. "I understand if that's-"

"Olivia." He knows where she's going with this and wants to correct her before she even says the words. He pauses and then presses his forehead against hers. "I would wait a lifetime for you. What I feel for you...it's not just about sex, Liv. Yes I want to make love to you, and yes I think it's going to be amazing when we do. But given the choice between having sex with someone else, and simply being with you for an indeterminate length of time without sex ... I choose you."

She smiles and hides her face against his neck, laughing slightly. "Don't worry, El, I want this as much as you do, so you won't be waiting too long for the sex. I just think...shouldn't we wait? Go on some dates first or something?"

He grins. "Liv, if you think we should go out on dates first, then we'll go on dates first. But I've spent eighteen hours a day by your side for the past eight years. Do you really think that getting a cup of coffee or seeing a movie is going to change anything?" He stops her before she can speak. "And I'm not just saying that because I want to have sex with you. I really think that."

"You don't know..." she pauses. "The things you know about me are the things you need to know when I'm your partner. How I take my coffee. What I talk about on long stake outs. My favorite food. You don't know the things you need to know if we're seeing each other...and sleeping together."

"Like what?" he asks and she gently pushes him away from her so they can look each other in the eye. He leans against the island in the middle of her kitchen, a few feet between them and looks at her curiously. "Tell me the things I need to know. I'm not going to learn those things by going to movies with you, so tell me."

She shrugs. "I don't know... I..." she pauses. "I hog the covers," she says after a moment. "I always get cold when I'm sleeping, so I use more than my fair share."

He shrugs. "I get hot when I'm sleeping, so that'll work out fine."

"I drink milk straight out of carton," she admits, blushing slightly. "Orange juice, too. I don't see the point in using glasses since I'm the only one here, and it'll take me a while to get used to you being around. It might still happen."

"Liv, I'm a guy. I do that all the time," he laughs. "What else? What other deep, dark secrets do you have that might keep me from wanting to be with you?"

"When I get home from work after a bad case, I watch The X-Files. It's the only thing that still scares me...and I'd rather have nightmares from aliens and monsters than from the things we see every day. So I watch it." She grins, chewing on her bottom lip, as if deciding whether or not she should tell him. She decides to go for it and looks away, too embarrassed to look him in the eye. "I own all nine seasons on DVD."

He grins. "Really? I never pegged you as an X-Files fan."

She shrugs. "See? There are a lot of things you don't know about me."

"So let me figure them out, Liv," he says, moving towards her again. "The only way I'm ever going to know is if I'm here, spending time with you. Getting to know you. Sleeping next to you."

"I haven't been in a relationship that's lasted longer than six months since I was in high school, Elliot," she says, looking down at the floor, then back up at him, tears in her eyes. "And that's fine. I like my life fine the way it is. I have friends, I don't really get lonely... But what if you..." she takes a deep breath, swiping angrily at the tears she hadn't meant to let fall. "What if we don't last? What if we're making a mistake and we regret it later and then our friendship is ruined? I can't lose you, Elliot. You're the only family I have. You're... I can't lose you," she repeats, now crying openly at the thought.

"You won't," he says, shaking his head and pulling her into his embrace. "Maybe we won't work out, Olivia, but we need to try. I can't not try. I can't keep wondering. And even if we don't work out, you won't lose me. You're my partner, my best friend. I'd never be able to give you up, no matter what happens between us."

She pulls back from him a little and looks into his eyes. "I don't want to hurt you, Elliot. What if-"

"Stop," he says gently, shaking his head and pressing his forehead to hers, rubbing his nose against hers in a soft Eskimo kiss. "The only way you could hurt me is if you said that you didn't even want to try. I don't..." he hesitates for a moment, but eventually continues. "I don't know if I'm in love with you, Liv. I don't. All I know is that what I feel for you is more than just friendship. It's more than just you being my partner and my closest friend. I've never felt like this before. Not even with Kathy. Maybe it's not love, but it's something."

She doesn't respond at first, her eyes closed as she plays with the hair at the base of his neck. Finally she takes a breath and pulls him closer, moving her mouth to his ear. "Make love to me," she whispers, reaching for the waist of his jeans and unbuckling his belt. "I don't need the third date rule or any of that bullshit," she tells him, shaking her head. "I just need you."

"Let's go to your bedroom," Elliot says, slowly pulling her shirt off over her head and walking backwards out of her kitchen and through the living room. He gently pushes her onto the bed and leans over her, unbuttoning and unzipping her jeans and pulling them off and to the floor. "God you're beautiful," he says, looking her in the eye as he slowly removes her black satin underwear and then moves so he's lying in between her legs, his jeans pushed low on his hips.

"You're pretty damn hot yourself," she tells him, pushing his jeans down as far as she can with her hands, then the rest of the way with her feet. She reaches into his boxers as he sucks her nipple into his mouth, arousing her further. "Jesus," she half hisses, half moans, as he brings his teeth into the mix. She pushes his boxers down on his hips and pulls him out, gently moving against him, her fingers massaging him, hardening him even more.

"Liv," he groans, stopping her ministrations. "If you want me to make love to you, you better stop that."

She smiles and then moans as Elliot suddenly slips a finger inside of her, his tongue returning to her breasts. "Elliot...please..." she groans, finally managing to push him onto his back, straddling his hips. She reaches into the bedside table, keeping him pinned to the bed, and finds a package of condoms. He watches as she opens it with her teeth, throwing the wrapper to the side and slowly slipping it over his erection. "Is this okay?" she asks of their position.

He groans, unable to keep a smile off his face. "I quite like the view from here."

She smiles and leans over him, kissing him slowly, passionately, full of desire. She reaches for him and slowly guides him inside of her, stretching her muscles as she slides down over top of him. He groans and holds onto her hips, meeting each of her thrusts with one of his own.

His tongue buries itself in her mouth, his hands still controlling her thrusts against him. He knows he's close, and he can tell from her breathing and the increased speed of her thrusts that she is, too. He rolls them until she's on her back, her legs wrapped around his back. She looks up at him and the look on her face is about enough to make him come right then and there. He closes his eyes and tries to breath, attempting to move deeper inside of her, finding just the right spot. His mouth moves to her neck, then to her breasts, hoping to push her over the edge.

"Elliot," she moans, trying to thrust up, but unable to get the leverage she needs. "Don't stop," she pleads, searching for something to hold onto. She digs her fingernails into his shoulder blades, a warmth spreading throughout her entire body. She buries her face in his neck and lets herself scream as she comes, her whole body convulsing around him, causing him to scream out his release as well.

He rolls them onto their sides, still inside of her, and caresses her lower back, his lips moving slowly against hers, his tongue just barely parting her lips. "Wow," she says, breaking away.

"Yeah," he breathes, and finally removes himself from inside of her, sitting up on the edge of the bed and removing the condom as she runs her nails down his back. He moves back to lay on the bed next to her and reaches for her, running his fingers through her hair. "Now are you glad we didn't wait to have sex?"

She grins, her eyes closed, and nods. "Mmm...Elliot?" she asks, already half asleep.

"Yeah?" he asks, his hand resting on her abdomen, running across the soft skin of her stomach and chest and breasts.

"Can we keep this a secret for a while? At work, I mean. I don't want to deal with Munch and Fin's bullshit...and Cragen's going to have a heart attack if he finds out. Maybe we should just wait a while before we tell them."

"Munch and Fin are going to know," Elliot says with a smirk. "The second they see us Monday morning, they'll know. But we can keep it from them for as long as you want. I think..." he pauses. "We need to tell my kids, though. That we're seeing each other. They'll figure it out pretty quick and I don't want to have to hide our relationship from them."

She nods. "Okay," she says, yawning, and moving closer to him, resting her head against his chest. He rubs her back in rhythmic circles and plays with her hair, staring at the ceiling as she falls asleep against him.

He wants to tell her. He wants to say the words, but he knows it would be ridiculous to tell her this soon. She'd just look at him like he was crazy and tell him there's no way he could know that yet. So he presses his lips to the skin just below her ear and mouths them, hoping that maybe, just maybe, they'll find their way into her dreams, so she'll know.

"I love you," he says. "I know you won't believe me, but I do. More than anything."

* * *

To be continued.  



	2. Two

**Disclaimer**: They're still Dick's.

**Author's Note**: I'm hoping I managed to get a decent mix of angst and fluff without going overboard on either. Great big giant thank you to Mousie962 for beta-ing this for me - you are truly awesome. And Emily, the last part's for you ;).

- - -

Olivia leans back in her seat, taking a deep steadying breath, and tries to keep herself from having a panic attack. She could be on the witness stand, interrogating dangerous criminals, or standing with a gun pointing right at her and not be as nervous as she is right now. "Elliot, do we have to tell the kids tonight?" she asks, her hand hiding her face as she turns her head slightly to look at him.

He glances at her out of the corner of his eye as he takes a right, turning onto his old street in Queens. He studies her for a moment before shaking his head, noticing how nervous she looks. "If you're not comfortable telling them tonight, we can wait. I just don't want to keep this from them, Liv. I don't want to sneak around behind their backs with this relationship."

She nods, sighing loudly and looking out the window. "I'm just..." she trails off before she admits anything she'll regret. "I know it sounds stupid, but what if they-"

"Olivia." His says her name gently, quietly, interrupting her before she gets herself even more worked up. "My kids adore you. They might not be thrilled about this at first, but they'll get used to the idea. They're going to have to, and I think you'll be surprised by how quickly they accept this."

She nods, reaching over and lacing her fingers through his, squeezing them tightly. "All right, let's tell them."

"Good," he smiles, pulling into the driveway. He squeezes her hand one more time before letting go to put his car in park and turn off the ignition. "You want to come in with me?"

She shakes her head. "I'll stay. I know you already told her, but I'm just not sure how comfortable I am being around your ex-wife yet."

He nods, leaning over to press a chaste kiss to her lips. "I'll be right back," he assures her, heading into the house.

She waits in the car, tapping her foot against the blue carpeting, trying to keep herself from completely exploding from nerves. A few minutes pass before she sees the front door open again, and the entire time, she is fighting the panic attack she can feel bubbling up under the surface. She's only dated one other person with kids, and he hadn't exactly been a serious relationship, so she's never gone through the meeting-the-kids ritual. It's not like that with Elliot's kids, she knows, because they've grown up around her. But everything about her relationship with them is suddenly completely different. Before, she was their father's spinster partner, taking up the extra seat at the table at Thanksgiving and Christmas; the one who gave awesome birthday presents and told their father to lighten up about curfew rules, Maureen's boyfriends, and about their grades. But now, she's a possible future stepmother (a thought that makes her even more nervous than before); the woman who is taking the place of their mother in their father's life. She knows it's not that simple, that his kids are old enough to see their relationship for what it is and to trust her to back off and let them live their lives without trying to act as a parent. But she's still afraid of how they'll react, of how Elliot will deal with their reactions. They've only been seeing each other for a little over a week, but the thought of breaking it off completely crushes her. She knows that's an extremely unlikely possibility, but she can't help it when the thought crosses her mind.

Dickie grins when he sees Olivia in the car and both he and Lizzie run towards it, waving. "Hey Liv!" Dickie exclaims, climbing into the back seat.

"How come you're here?" Lizzie asks, sliding into the middle next to her brother as Kathleen walks out to the car after Elliot, carrying her backpack.

"I figured I'd tag along for pizza tonight. That okay with you guys?"

"Yeah!" Dickie answers, then blushes slightly. "I mean, sure, if you want to." Lizzie rolls her eyes and Olivia can't help but smile.

"Hey Olivia," Kathleen says, getting into the back behind the driver's seat, giving her a curious look. "You coming to dinner with us?"

Olivia nods, turning to face the house again, wondering if the eighteen-year-old knows what's going on. Elliot told Maureen the night before and she suddenly wonders if she called her sister to warn her. But when she looks towards the house, she sees Kathy on the front stoop, waving as they pull out of the driveway, which only serves to make her stomach tie up in even more knots, driving all other thoughts out of her mind.

"Are we going to Carlo's?" Dickie asks as Elliot heads back towards Manhattan.

"No, I figured we'd order in and eat at my apartment. Is that okay?"

Dickie and Lizzie both shrug, but Kathleen raises an eyebrow. "How come?"

"No reason," Elliot lies and Kathleen nods, suddenly crossing her arms in front of her and staring out the window in silence. While the twins talk and ask questions the entire way to Elliot's place, Kathleen doesn't say a word. Olivia can't help but notice that she keeps looking at her out of the corner of her eye, as if trying to figure out why she's really there.

- - -

Elliot tells them after pizza. Just simply opens his mouth and tells them. i Liv and I are dating. /i No preamble, no beating around the bush. He just says it, his hand holding Olivia's under the table, squeezing it reassuringly as he says the words.

"Does that mean you guys are going to move in together?" Lizzie asks, raising an eyebrow at her father.

"No," they both say at the same time, Olivia a little more assertively. Elliot cocks at eyebrow at her and smirks at the terrified look on her face. "We just started dating, Liz, we won't even be talking about that for a while. I just wanted to tell you so that you'd know Olivia will be around a lot more. Nothing will really change for you guys except that she'll spend time with us sometimes."

"Is she going to spend the night?" Kathleen asks suddenly, looking up from her untouched pizza. She asks the question just as Olivia starts to swallow a sip of her beer and she chokes, her eyes wide. Olivia coughs, catching her breath, and Kathleen turns to her father and shrugs. "Well?"

"We, uh...we haven't discussed that," Elliot says, his face visibly showing his discomfort. "Would it bother you if she did?"

"I guess not," Kathleen says, shrugging again. "I just wondered so I wasn't shocked if I wake up in the morning and she's in the kitchen. I just like to know what's going on."

Elliot nods and glances at Olivia for a split second before answering. "She might sometimes, but not all the time. Is that okay?" He turns to the twins and asks, "with you guys, too?"

Dickie shrugs. "I don't care."

"Does that mean you guys are having sex?" Lizzie asks, so matter-of-factly that she could almost be asking _is the sky blue_?

Elliot is left speechless at his youngest daughter's question and Olivia's face turns at least five shades of red. "Liz, that's uh, that's..." Elliot stumbles, trying to find the right answer to this question. "That's not really what this is about, okay?"

Lizzie raises an eyebrow and glances at Kathleen, who is shaking from laughter. "I think that means yes."

- - -

Later, Olivia enters the kitchen to find Kathleen standing at the sink, rinsing the plates from pizza before putting them into the dishwasher. She doesn't acknowledge Olivia's presence at first and the older woman allows this, simply beginning to help with the dishes in silence. After a few minutes, Olivia sighs, then turns to Kathleen. "Are you okay with this? With me and your dad?"

Kathleen shrugs, not answering for a moment. Finally she speaks. "How long have you two been dating? And be honest with me, please."

"A week," Olivia says firmly. "Kathleen, your father never would have cheated on your mother and I would never have gotten involved with him before they split up. I respect your mother and love you kids way too much for that."

Kathleen nods, again remaining silent for a moment before speaking. "Do you love him?"

Olivia decides to be honest and simply shrugs, not sure how exactly to explain her long and complicated answer. "I really don't know how I feel about him yet."

"Just please don't hurt him, okay?"

Olivia stares at her for a moment, completely speechless. "Why would I hurt him?"

"I'm not stupid, Olivia. I know you're not big on relationships. For as long as I've known you, I've never known you to have a serious boyfriend. I just don't want Dad to get hurt. If you love him, that's fine. It might take me a while to get used to this whole thing, but..." She shakes her head slightly, trying to figure out how to say it before speaking. "I was so angry with him after the divorce. I thought it was all his fault, you know? But I've talked to Mom and Maureen about it and I've... I'm not mad at him anymore. I just want both of them to be happy, and if he's happy with you, that's good enough for me. Just don't get scared and hurt him."

Olivia nods, looking down at the counter, trying to get her thoughts under control before responding. She'd never admit it out loud, but that hurts. She knows that it's partially true, that she does stupid things when her relationships get too serious, but hearing it from Elliot's daughter cuts deep.

"Liv, I didn't mean for that to sound so-"

"No, you're right," Olivia tells her, shaking her head. "I need to clarify something, okay?" Kathleen nods and Olivia pauses for a moment, collecting her thoughts. "I don't know if I'm in love with him. I think that's a feeling that comes with time and it hasn't happened yet. I know that I love him, though. Pure and simple, he's my partner, my best friend, and the only family I have. You're right, I don't usually do relationships and I don't like getting that close to people. There's something about your dad that makes me want to try, though. Just know that no matter what, I love him so much as a friend that I'd never be able to hurt him. And that love doesn't just go away, so whether I end up falling in love with him or not, you never have to worry about that. Okay?"

Kathleen nods, then offers her a small smile. "Can you hand me that plate?" she asks after a moment.

- - -

Olivia glances at her watch before pounding on his door once more. Seven-thirty. She's been calling his cell phone for the past hour, ever since she got home from work. She'd wanted to sneak out early but her captain hadn't exactly made that easy. She'd gotten back to the precinct after spending all day in court on the Martinez case to find out that Elliot was suspended from duty until he was cleared by a psychologist. Cragen hadn't been quick to explain what happened and Fin looked like hell, so she'd gotten the story about the case they picked up from John. Elliot had been sent home by the time she got back from court and he hadn't answered his phone when she tried calling him - all fifteen times.

She pounds on his door again, unwilling to use her key; the one he gave her a month ago, about six weeks into their relationship. She wants him to let her in; to admit that he needs her here. Finally she gives in and reaches into her pocket for her key ring, finding the right one and unlocking his door. The apartment is dark, but she can hear the TV. She locks the door behind her again and walks quietly towards the living room. He's there, on the couch, but he doesn't acknowledge her presence, instead taking another long pull from the beer bottle in his hand.

"Elliot?" she says softly, walking closer and gently laying her hand on his shoulder.

"Not tonight, Olivia," he says, half-pleading, his voice a mixture of anger and defeat. "I just want to be alone."

She's pissed. She's pissed at him for being like this after months of finally being on the right track. She's pissed at Victor Graves for what he did to those kids. She's pissed at Cragen for sending Elliot home when being alone is definitely not what he needs right now. But most of all, she's pissed that she cares this much. She's pissed that she can't just walk away from him, no matter how hard he's pushing her. So finally she explodes, her voice unsteady with emotion as she yells at him.

"Then you pick up the goddamn phone and you tell me that, Elliot! Either you're in this or you're not and right now I'm thinking that you're not! You can't just shut me out, Elliot. It doesn't work that way!" She pauses, glaring at the back of his head, as he still hasn't turned around to face her. "And by the way, 'I just want to be alone' is not an acceptable answer tonight. I'm not leaving. You can push all you want and tomorrow you can break up with me for all I care. But I'm not leaving." She pauses and looks at the coffee table, five empty beer bottles lined up next to old magazines and a book belonging to Dickie. She can tell by his voice that while he's not drunk, he's well on his way, and that pisses her off even more. "And you're done with this," she says, taking the half-empty bottle out of his hand and walking into the kitchen.

She empties it into the sink and then opens the refrigerator, taking out another six-pack of Guinness. She quietly empties each and every bottle into the sink, knowing that Elliot is watching her from the doorway.

"What are you doing?" he asks finally, walking towards her.

"You're not doing this, Elliot," she tells him, shaking her head slightly. "I don't care that you drink sometimes... hell, I do, too. And God knows I know how nice it is to get drunk and just ignore everything else that's going on in life. But you're not going to drink yourself into oblivion rather than talk. It's not going to happen, or else I'm out of here."

He faces her, finally, and suddenly has a flash of Olivia at ten, dumping out the contents of her mother's liquor collection into the sink in an attempt to get her to stop drinking. He looks down at the floor of his kitchen before reaching for her hand, squeezing it tightly in his as he pulls her closer to him, kissing her temple. "I'm so sorry," he whispers, his eyes closed.

"It's okay," she tells him, caressing his hand with her thumb as they stand there in silence. "Elliot, you can't shut me out like this. If we're going to work, you need to talk to me. Even if you won't talk to anyone else, you need to talk to me."

He kisses the top of her head and wraps his arms around her waist pulling her closer. "When did you become an advocate of talking about things?" he asks, his lips still against her hair. He doesn't say it sarcastically or bitterly like she expects; he's simply curious as to when this changed occurred.

She smiles against his T-shirt and shrugs. "When I realized that talking to you...and admitting that I needed help from you was a hell of a lot easier than being pissed off all the time."

He hugs her tighter in response to her words, then finally finds the courage to speak. "Did John tell you what happened?"

"Yeah. But I want to hear it from you," she tells him, tilting her head back just enough to look him in the eye. "Tell me what happened, Elliot."

He holds her against him for a moment, his lips pressed against her forehead, before he finally begins talking. "Right after you left for court, we got a call. Couple of unis in Alphabet City found a little girl walking down the street. It turned out to be Samantha Kirk, that eight-year-old that went missing from Long Island last week. She was dehydrated and exhausted and could barely talk, but she told them she'd escaped from this warehouse where her kidnapper had taken her. She said there are a bunch of other kids there and that he'd been abusing all of them. Molesting them. Forcing the older boys to rape the girls." His voice breaks as he talks about what had happened to them. "She said he video taped it. He hadn't been feeding them and he beat them when they tried to fight him. She got away during one of the rare moments when he left the warehouse. He forgot to tie her back up after..." he trails off, unable to say it out loud, despite the fact that they deal with it every day. "John went to the hospital to interview her and Fin and I went to look for the warehouse. She didn't know exactly where it was, but we didn't have any trouble finding it. When we got inside he'd already shot all of them. He must have realized Samantha escaped and that she'd tell the police, so he killed them. Thirteen of them, none of them older than fifteen. Then he hung himself from the rafters."

Olivia closes her eyes, fighting tears herself, and pulls him closer. She can't find the words to comfort him, so she simply holds him, knowing from his silence that he's crying.

"I hate this feeling," he says, his voice edged with emotion. "I feel like I can't do anything. That fucking bastard killed himself before we could get justice for those kids. He murdered them for absolutely no reason. If he was going to kill himself anyway, why didn't he just let them live?"

She runs her fingers through the hair on the back of his head and continues to hold him. "El, I-"

"I know," he says gently, shaking his head. "There isn't an answer. I just..." he shrugs, then kisses her temple again, feeling better, less angry, now that she's with him. "Don told me that I needed to be cleared by a shrink before I could work. I got pissed, to say the least. To make a long story short, I'm not allowed into the precinct until I talk to Huang."

"Elliot, I think you need to," she tells him gently. "I know you hate shrinks, but you need to talk about things. He's not that bad." She pauses, then adds with a smile, "you know, for a shrink."

Elliot smiles against her temple and nods. "I'll talk to him tomorrow," he promises.

"Let me ask you one question," Olivia says, shifting so she can kiss him gently on the lips. "Did you really throw a punch at Don?"

Elliot gives her an embarrassed smile and shrugs. "I was so pissed I really don't remember. But if he tried to get between me and the locker I was attempting to dent, it really wouldn't surprise me."

"Are you still that angry?" she asks, running her finger tips through the hair on the back of his head.

He shakes his head. "I'm still angry, but not as much. Not with you in my arms." He smiles slightly and tangles his fingers in her hair, grateful for her presence. "Thank you for coming over tonight. I know I said I wanted to be alone, but I need you."

"Come here," she says, moving out of his embrace and leading him towards one of the kitchen chairs. "Sit."

He raises an eyebrow, sitting down in the chair and looking up at her. "Why am I sitting?"

"For this," she says, straddling his lap and immediately catching his lips in a violently passionate kiss.

He moans against her lips, slipping his tongue inside her mouth to touch hers for a moment. She starts rocking her hips against his, his fingers working the button on her jeans. She helps him, then reaches for his belt buckle, loosening it. She moves off of his lap just enough that she can push her jeans and panties off and so he can push his pants and boxers low on his hips. She straddles him again, his erection pressed against her stomach as she continues to kiss him, taking him in one hand, causing him to groan loudly in her ear.

"Jesus, Olivia..."

"Shhh," she tells him and reaches for her purse on the counter, finding a condom and slipping it on him before shifting just enough so he can push inside of her. She grinds against him, her forehead pressed to his, his hands on her hips, guiding her every move as she reminds him what life is supposed to be about - friendship, love, and pleasure; not the dark side of it they see every day.

- - -

In the middle of the night, Elliot rolls over in bed, expecting to brush up against her, to feel her legs tangled in his in the navy blue sheets of her bed. Instead, he reaches for her and finds nothing; just the wrinkled sheets, still warm from her body. He opens his eyes slowly, looking around the room, trying to figure out where she is. He catches sight of the clock - 3:57am looks back at him in neon red digits and he rolls back onto his stomach, trying to go back to sleep, assuming she's just in the bathroom or getting a glass of water. He's just about to fall back asleep when he hears a loud gasp from the living room, jolting him awake once more. He jumps up and rushes to the door, reaching for Olivia's gun where she left it on the dresser the night before. It isn't until he's in the doorway that he notices the lights from the TV or the sound of voices.

"Liv?" he asks quietly, tentatively.

Suddenly the DVD pauses and he laughs, noticing her in the darkness. She sits on the couch, a blanket wrapped around her, half-hiding her face behind it. "Did I wake you?" she asks, then raises an eyebrow at him when she notices his amusement.

"No," he says, still laughing. "I woke up and then I heard a noise and I thought..." he shrugs, stepping back into the bedroom with one foot to set the gun back on her dresser. "Why are you up?"

"Couldn't sleep," she shrugs. "I'm watching The X-Files instead. You must have heard me gasp. It still amazes me that with our job, this show can still scare the shit out of me," she admits.

"I can't believe that The X-Files scares you. You're a cop, Olivia," he tells her, fighting one of his trademark smirks.

She rolls her eyes. "Gee, thanks for that wonderful observation. I had no idea I was a cop," she says sarcastically, making him smile. "This is completely different. Sure I'm not scared of the stuff we deal with everyday...but when was the last time we had aliens after us, or were investigating vampire attacks? I know it sounds stupid, but it really does scare me." She shrugs, then adds, "I guess I find comfort in the fact that something other than our job can still make me want to sleep with the lights on. Proves I'm not as jaded as I thought." She yawns and glances at the watch on his wrist, speaking before he can respond to her admission. "What time is it?"

"Four," he says. "We've got to be in Queens at ten. Kathleen called me six times last night to make sure we're both coming. I think she's really freaked out about college. Besides, she wants you to show her all of the cool places to meet guys on Sienna's campus."

Olivia grins. "I bet you're thrilled about that idea." Olivia pulls her knees up to her chest and looks back at the TV. "This episode is so incredibly scary."

"I've actually never seen The X-Files before," he tells her, leaning against the doorway.

She looks rather shocked, more surprised that she doesn't know something about him after eight years as partners and three months in a relationship than by the fact that he's never seen her favorite show. "Do you want to come watch it with me?" she asks. "This episode's almost over. I'll even let you watch my favorite one."

He shrugs, unable to resist her when she has that smile on her face. "Sure. I'm just going to use the bathroom real quick."

She nods and presses play again, watching the last few minutes of the episode before he returns to the living room, sitting down on the couch next to her. "Aren't you cold?" she asks, noticing that he's only wearing a pair of thin cotton boxer shorts.

"It's August, Olivia. It's hot out."

"I'm freezing," she says, wrapping the blanket around her more and shivering slightly as the credits start to roll on screen.

"Come here," he says, laying back against the couch. She lays down in front of him, warming quickly when he wraps his arms around her, kissing the back of her neck. "So what's this episode you're going to make me watch?"

"It's my favorite," she repeats. "It's not scary. Actually, it's rather funny, although it does feature a town full of vampires and a few rather gruesome autopsy scenes."

"This is the one with the two FBI agents right? What are their names? Moldy and Scary?"

"Mulder and Scully," she corrects, clearly amused. "Mulder's the guy, Scully's the woman. Mulder believes in all of the paranormal stuff like aliens and spirits and vampires. Scully's more of a scientist and always tries to explain everything with something she learned in Medical School. You'll see those differences a lot in this episode."

"Does she give him looks like Fin gives to John all the time?" Elliot asks, smirking.

"Yeah, but Scully's much better looking. Now, shhh! The episode's about to start," she tells him, moving closer to him, pulling his arms tighter around her to keep warm. She can feel every reaction he has to the episode, as much as he wants to hide it; when he chuckles at the jokes as well as when his body tenses at the scary parts. Olivia laughs when Elliot suddenly startles after fighting the natural instinct to at every other moment featuring a vampire coming out of nowhere. "Scared?"

"Not in the least," Elliot assures her, while unconsciously pulling her closer. She laughs and turns slightly to look at him, raising an eyebrow. "I'm not scared! I just wasn't expecting that!"

She rolls her eyes and turns back to the TV. "Whatever, Elliot."

Wanting revenge, Elliot waits for exactly the perfect moment, knowing that there has to be at least one more scary scene in the episode. He sees his opportunity and he quickly but gently moves his mouth to her neck, laughing loudly when she jumps, nearly off the couch, and screams. "You're not scared, are you?" he asks, grinning.

She turns and punches him in the arm, glaring at him, but unable to hide the amusement in her eyes. "I cannot believe you just did that!" she exclaims, trying not to laugh. "That scared me half to death, Elliot!"

"That was kind of the point," Elliot tells her, still trying to stop laughing enough so that he can breath. He kisses her neck again, in exactly the same spot, and slowly snakes his hand under her T-shirt. "I'll make it up to you," he promises her, his tongue tracing patterns on the skin just below her ear.

With neither of them watching the show anymore, Olivia relaxes into his embrace, allowing him to caress and kiss at his own pace. Lost in thought; in what he's doing, she closes her eyes and thinks, _God I love this man._

Suddenly his hand stops moving along her body and his mouth lifts from her neck. "Liv?" he asks, a little unsure, and she tenses, suddenly realizing she just spoke out loud.

She hesitates and then reaches for his hand, squeezing it tightly, realizing that she just needs to say it, as scared as she is right now. "I love you. You don't have to say it back, but..." she pauses, then turns onto her other side to face him. "I love you," she tells him again.

"I know I don't i have to /i say it back," he says, smirking, making her wait. He shifts slightly so she's on her back, his body lying partially on top of hers. "But I do." He rests his forehead against hers and whispers the words against her lips. "I love you, too," he tells her, gently parting her lips with his tongue. He breaks the kiss before it can deepen and looks right into her eyes, the intimacy of it causing her heart to race even more than his touch. "I've known, I just..."

"Me, too," she tells him, entwining their fingers. She gently rubs her nose against his and squeezes his hands in hers before speaking again. "I think it's time we tell Don. I don't want to hide this anymore."

He smiles before kissing her again. "Okay."

* * *

TBC...soon (I hope)  



	3. Three

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill.

**Author's Notes**: Sorry it took me so long to get this posted! I just moved on Tuesday and things have been crazy. But hopefully the next chapter won't take me as long to write. Thank you all so much for the reviews...I appreciate them more than you know. :) As always, comments and constructive criticism are welcome.

- - -

She loves sex with Elliot. She loves feeling him move inside of her, slow and steady, her finger nails raking down his back as she reaches her climax. She loves feeling his weight above her, or his hard body under her as she straddles him; all of his strength pressing her into the wall of the shower, against the door to his apartment, or with the handle on the refrigerator digging into her back. She knows every inch of his body, from the scar on the bottom of his left foot from stepping on a broken glass when he was a kid to his slightly receding hairline, and she loves exploring him, attempting to find scars and memories she's never known about until now. As amazing as she's always thought sex is, she doesn't think it's ever been quite like this. 

But to her own surprise, she loves the other things about their relationship even more. As amazing as the sex is, as satisfied as she is after spending an evening in bed with him, it's the little things that make her fall more in love with him every day. That for once in her life, she's warm while she's asleep, with his body acting as a space heater next to her in whichever bed they've fallen asleep in; the way he looks at her over top of the stove, as he cooks dinner and she sets the table. As much as she enjoys the nights of earth shattering sex, she's more satisfied falling asleep with him on the couch before the opening credits of ER, wrapped in his arms.

And her favorite nights are the ones she spends with him and his kids, whether it's just the twins or if Kathleen and Maureen are visiting from school for the weekend. They make dinner together, Elliot doing most of the work and Olivia and the kids splitting up the other tasks, like making salad or setting the table. They eat together, Dickie usually making jokes that make milk come out of his twin sister's nose. And then she and Elliot do the dishes together, sometimes quietly, and sometimes getting into water fights that leave both them and the kitchen soaked with water and soap suds. After they clean up, they all sit together in the living room and watch a movie, usually something PG of the inspirational sports variety. And later, she loves the slow lovemaking in his big bed with blue sheets, especially when he buries his tongue in her mouth when neither of them can stay quiet for much longer, trying to silence both of their climaxes.

She's never felt this way before, and tonight, while she stands next to him in the kitchen, helping him wash the dishes, she can't help but smile.

Elliot catches sight of her smile when he hands her another plate to dry and he, too, grins. "What are you smiling about?" he asks, cocking an eyebrow at her.

His grin widens when he sees the color rush to her face. If someone had told him a year ago that Olivia Benson blushed when she was embarrassed, he never would have believed them. The things he knows about her now, about the way she is when she's not at work, only serve to make him love her even more. He loves how complex she is and he jumps at the chance to search for yet another layer, moving closer and closer to the real her.

"Nothing," she says quickly, shaking her head slightly. Elliot, however, refuses to accept her answer, and sets the plate down in the sink, splashing the counter with apple scented dish soap and warm water. He moves to stand behind her and presses his chest against her back, his lips resting right next to her ear. "Elliot-" she starts, but he doesn't allow her to continue.

"The kids will probably go to bed at eleven. I don't know if I can make it that long with you looking this amazing in your jeans," he whispers, then lowers his lips to her neck, kissing her, tracing circles with his tongue. She moans, leaning into him, and he reaches in front of her, his fingers playing with the button on her jeans. "I love you in these...but I can't wait to get you out of them."

She laughs, and turns in his arms, kissing him soundly on the lips. "How 'bout I let you finish the dishes on your own so you can cool down." He raises an eyebrow at her, but turns back to the sink when she sits down on one of the bar stools next to the counter, picking up the paper and scanning it. "Why were you looking at the real estate section?" she asks, still reading it.

"Oh, uh..." he drops the plate in the water again and turns around to face her. She looks up and studies him for a moment as he formulates his answer. Finally he sits down on the barstool next to her and looks at the counter. "Well. I actually was going to talk to you about this tomorrow, but I might as well just do it now," he starts. "Kathy's moving into Manhattan. Jared asked her to move in with him. And she said that since the twins will be in school here instead of in Queens, that she'd be willing to rethink our custody arrangement so that they could be with me more."

"El, that's wonderful," Olivia says, grinning, and reaching for his hand. She notices that despite his smile, he looks incredibly nervous. "Okay, what?"

"I've been looking at apartments, because I need more space. One bedroom is fine when they're only here for a weekend, but if they're going to be around more, I'm going to need a place with at least two bedrooms so they don't have to sleep on the pull-out or the futon anymore. I was just..." he pauses for a moment and sighs, rubbing his forehead with the palm of his hand. "Jesus. The way I'm wording this makes it seem like the kids are the only reason I'm going to ask you this. I promise, they're not...I've been thinking about it for weeks, before Kathy even told me and..." He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and finally just comes right out and says it. "Liv, I want you to move in with me."

Olivia stares at him, completely speechless, and tries to think of what to say. Her mind is completely blank. Even if she could figure out what her answer would be, she doesn't think she could make her mouth say the words. So instead, she just sits there, staring at him, and waits, hoping he'll say something more...hopefully that he's kidding.

"You don't have to answer me right now," he says, noticing the fear in her eyes. "I just want you to. I just want us to be together and-"

She suddenly shakes her head, looking away from him. Her heart is screaming at her to stop, to start nodding and tell him yes. But her mind takes over and she continues to shake her head, gently, fighting tears. "I can't, Elliot. I can't." She stands up from the bar stool and grabs her bag off the counter, heading for the door. "I'll call you later...I just need-"

"Jesus Christ, Olivia!" Elliot says, jumping up and standing between her and the door separating the kitchen from the rest of the apartment. "What the hell is it going to take to make you stop being so goddamn afraid of everything?"

She takes a deep, ragged breath, and tries to push past him, almost succeeding before he gets in front of her again. "Elliot, please, just let me go." He can see the tears in her eyes and hears the desperation in her voice, but he doesn't move. He's not going to back down this time and let her run off. "Please, Elliot, I need to be alone tonight."

"What is it you said to me that night you made me talk about the Graves case?" Elliot asks softly, moving closer to her. "'That's not an acceptable answer.' You can't shut people out, Liv. You can't keep living your life like this. I love you and I know that you love me and there's no reason why we can't live together except that you're scared. I cannot believe you're running away from this because you're afraid."

"I'm not running away, Elliot. I'm just saying no, and that I need some time alone right now. I love you, too, but-"

"No. No buts. Either you love me and you want to be with me, or you don't, Olivia." He shakes his head, looking as if he's about to punch something, and moves out of her way, allowing her to pass by him and towards the door. "I just wish you'd make up your goddamn mind."

She rests her forehead against the wooden door, her eyes closed as she fights tears. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he mutters, his back still turned on her as he rubs the back of his neck with his hand. "Go home. Let me know when you make your decision."

He can tell, even though they both have their backs turned towards each other, that she is nodding.

- - -

An hour later, Elliot still sits at the counter of his kitchen, his head resting in his hands, trying to figure out what went wrong. He practically jumps when he hears the kitchen door swing open, and from the sound of barefeet on the kitchen floor, he can tell that it's Kathleen, who is visiting for the weekend from college. The steps are too hesitant to be Olivia's, coming back to talk to him; too quiet to be one of the twins. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Kathleen sit down on the now empty barstool next to him and he turns his head slightly so he can look at her.

"Why aren't you watching the movie with Dickie and Liz?" Elliot asks kindly, his hand resting on her back.

"Because you sent Dickie and Olivia to pick the movie again. It's The Rookie. Again." Kathleen rolls her eyes, smiling. "It's not like I haven't seen it eighteen million times. I think Liv has a thing for Dennis Quaid."

Elliot smiles softly and nods. "She definitely does."

"Dad, are you okay?" his daughter asks him, looking and sounding so much like her mother. "We heard you and Olivia fighting. Did you guys break up?"

"No, we were just...disagreeing. And I'm fine, I just feel bad about what happened with Olivia," he admits, slowly getting up off the stool. "Do you-"

"How come you guys were fighting?" she asks, this time reminding him of all the traits she's picked up from Olivia over the past few months.

"It was..." he sighs. "Katie, relationships are hard for some people, especially for her. Olivia's had a tough life. She doesn't trust easily, except with people she knows won't hurt her, and I don't think she's ever really been in love before now."

"Because of her mom?" Elliot nods, looking at her curiously, wondering how much his daughter knows. "We talk. She told me a little bit about her mom. And that she doesn't know who her father is." Kathleen thinks for a moment, then adds, "Olivia knows you wouldn't hurt her."

"Not on purpose I wouldn't, and she does know that. But she also knows that I don't know how to do this, either. I had one girlfriend before your mom, when I was fourteen. I don't have much experience with building a relationship with someone. I was in love with your mother, but when she got pregnant with Maureen... there was no work involved in that decision. We got married. It wasn't like it is with Olivia where there are options and decisions that we have to make."

Kathleen nods and looks down at the floor. "Maybe you should let her make the decision. Just let her decide. I know she loves you...I can tell. It just might take her a while to catch up to you. She just might not be ready for this yet."

Elliot smiles softly and puts his arm around her shoulders, hugging her sideways. "How's school going?" he asks and Kathleen can't help but smile. He can't ever talk about himself, not even with his family.

"Good. I love my Creative Writing class," she says. "Liv says I should think about changing my major if I like it that much. She says I'm really good at it."

"That's great, sweetie," Elliot says with a smile. "You making a lot of friends?"

She nods, then reddens slightly. "I'm...seeing someone."

"Really?" Elliot says, trying not to demand his name so he can run a background check. He's trying to be more laid back with Kathleen, so she'll talk to him about things like this. After he gave her a two hour lecture about leaving drinks unattended at parties on the way to take her back to school in September, Olivia suggested that it might help. "What's his name?"

"Michael. He's a sophomore and a Pre-Med major. I think you'd like him." Kathleen hesitates, then adds with a grin, "he drives a motorcycle."

Elliot sighs, scrubbing his hand over his face, practically biting his tongue to keep from saying what he really thinks. Finally, he forces himself to ask, "what kind?" and hopes that he can get through this conversation without finding out about any drug habits or criminal records.

- - -

Olivia leans on the bar, her feet hooked around the bar stool she's seated on, nursing a beer. She feels a hand on her back and John's voice telling the bartender that he wants a Sam Adams. The older man sits down on the bar stool next to her and thanks the bartender when he hands him his beer.

"How long have you been here?" John asks, looking at her over the top of his glasses.

"Couple hours," she says, shrugging. She sees the look he gives her and she shakes her head. "It's my first one, John, I'm not drunk. I wish I was, but I'm not."

He nods, taking a sip of his own beer. "How come you called me?"

"Casey didn't answer her phone and I didn't really want to be alone tonight," she admits, looking down at the bar. "Sorry I called you so late, I just didn't know who else I could call."

"That's what partners are for," he assures her. "I thought you were hanging out with Elliot and the kids tonight."

"I am," she says, then shakes her head. "Was. I was." She looks down at the bar and traces a circle in the condensation left from her beer, then turns her head slightly to look at him. "John..what the hell is wrong with me?"

John smiles slightly, not sure he understands. He and Olivia have been friends for nine years; partners for a little less than two months, and not once has he ever heard her ask him a question quite like this. He's always found her to be reserved, so he usually filled in the silence talking about politics, John F. Kennedy, or the alimony he doesn't think he should have to pay one of his ex-wives. Olivia answers his questions, laughs at his jokes, and offers advice when it's needed, but he's never heard her speak so openly about herself before.

"I'm not sure I follow you."

"Why the hell am I so...fucked up?" she asks, rubbing her forehead with her palm. "I mean, I know my past doesn't help, but why is it that I can't just fall in love with him and have it be easy?"

"What happened with Elliot? Did he do something stupid?" John asks, suddenly understanding a little bit better. "Do I need to go over and have a little talk with him?"

Olivia can't help but smile. "John, leave the intimidation to Fin. It doesn't really work for you." She shakes her head. "He didn't do anything wrong. It's me. I can't..." she hesitates. "Do you believe in love?"

He thinks for a moment before speaking, not sure how to answer. Normally he'd say something sarcastic, something meant to make her laugh. But he sees his partner, his friend, looking lost and confused and needing his help. He'd never tell Olivia this, but he's always seen her as a psuedo little sister, as if despite her past and her experiences, her strength and courage, he still needed to protect her from things she didn't quite understand yet.

Finally, he nods, looking at her over the top of his glasses. "Yes. I do."

"Three divorces and you still believe in love?" she asks, a little dubiously. She hadn't expected him to say something serious.

He can't help it when a little bit of sarcasm makes it's way into his speech. "What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic." He pauses, taking on a serious tone of voice again, and places his hand over hers on the table. "Olivia, I don't necessarily think that there's someone for everyone in the world. Take me for instance. I'll never find that perfect woman I'm looking for...at least until you decide to dump Stabler and accept a date with me." Olivia laughs, rolling her eyes. "But for some people, there is love. For you, there's Elliot, who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, and who you've been waiting your whole life to love back. And you do."

Olivia smirks, running her hand through her hair. "Since when are you so heartfelt and sappy?"

"I'm not. I'm just telling you the truth," John says with a smile. "What happened?"

"He asked me to move in with him," Olivia says after a moment, looking down at the bar instead of at her partner. "He wants to get a bigger apartment...so the kids can be there more. Kathy's moving in with her boyfriend in Manhattan...they're getting married sooner or later and..." she trails off, not sure what else to say. "I freaked out."

"No kidding."

She hates him a little bit when she feels her lips turning up into a smile. "You're such an ass. Why did I call you again?"

He ignores her and reaches for her hand again, squeezing it tightly in his. "You love him. I think everyone else knew before you did, but you know it now." He pauses. "He's not going to let you down, Liv. He's not going to hurt you the way everyone else has. Has he ever? In eight years, has he ever let you down?"

She looks down at the bar again, shaking her head. "No. And that's what scares me." She hesitates, then decides to be completely honest with him. "I know how to deal with things when I don't have anyone to depend on, when I have to do everything for myself. But with Elliot, I've started to get used to him being there. I've gotten used to not being alone after work and it's... What happens when it all falls apart? When I've let myself fall into this completely and then something happens and I lose him?"

"Who says it has to fall apart?" John asks, sounding so much like Elliot that first night together. "Stop being so afraid. Life has to work out for you sooner or later. Same for Elliot. I think both of you have some happiness coming your way."

"I love waking up next to him in the morning," she whispers so quietly that John has to strain to her hear. But he doesn't want to interupt her; he's afraid that if he does, she'll stop admitting these truths to herself. "I love making dinner with him. I love the way he..." She trails off and hands John the rest of her beer. "I'm going to go. Sorry I dragged you out for this."

"Are you going back to talk to him?"

She nods, reaching into her pocket and putting a few bills on the bar. "Thank you," she tells him, smiling softly, and he watches as she hurries out of the bar, immediately looking for a cab.

- - -

The kids are asleep, Kathleen and Liz on the pull-out couch and Dickie on the futon in the corner. The dishes are all washed, dried, and put away; the DVD is back in the box from Blockbuster. He's just finished folding a load of laundry, and now he's checking the locks one last time before going to bed.

He's checking the deadbolt when he hears a noise in the hallway and immediately, he looks through the peep hole. He can't help but smile when he sees her, hesitating before she puts her key into the lock, then taking it back out again. He knows why she's here. If she was going to tell him something else, she wouldn't have come back this late at night. Slowly, quietly, he unlocks the door and then opens it quickly, making her jump.

"Jesus, Elliot...what are you doing?" she asks, her hand over her heart as she tries to catch her breath.

He smiles softly and shrugs. "What are you doing?"

She looks down at the scuffed and damaged floor of his hallway and shrugs. "I, uh...I needed to talk to you."

"The kids are asleep...we can talk in the kitchen," he says, moving out of her way. He locks the door when she steps inside and they quietly move into the kitchen, turning on the light above the stove.

She stands with her back against the refrigerator and studies him. He looks apprehensive, as if he's afraid she's come to break up with him, and she can't help but feel a little more sure of herself. He's scared, too, and that makes her feel better.

They can learn together.

"I, uh...I made a decision. It took me a while and it was..." she pauses, glancing down at the linoleum while she swallows hard, trying to find the courage. "I love you," she says, seeing the small smile that spreads across his face. "But...I'm scared out of my mind, Elliot." He nods, looking confused again and she fights a smile, enjoying this a little too much. "Then again, I've never been one to run away from things that scare me, so..."

"Olivia, would you just say it?" he says, looking slightly frustrated, yet still smiling. He knows now that she's kidding; that she's going to give him the answer he's looking for.

He starts to move towards her and she nods, looking down at the floor again. She takes a deep breath and looks up at him again, still nodding, her eyes looking like she's fighting as hard as she can not to cry. He takes another step closer, the toes on his barefeet pressed against her sneakers; his forehead now resting against hers, his hands falling to her hips and pushing her more against the refrigerator.

"I want to move in with you," she says softly, looking right at him. "I want to wake up next to you every morning and have my toothbrush next to yours in the medicine cabinet. I want to make dinner with you every night and have you pick on my cooking. I want your kids to be there as much as they can be, and I..." she trails off. "I love you, Elliot. I want to live with you, if you don't hate me too much after how I reacted earlier."

He doesn't say anything for a moment, his eyes closed as he leans against her. After a moment, he smiles softly and nods. "We'll start looking for a place tomorrow," he tells her, his lips pressing against hers and his tongue immediately parting her lips, sliding against the inside of her mouth. His pelvis presses against hers, rocking slowly, and he moves his lips to her neck, resting just below her ear as he traces circles with his tongue.

"I can't wait to christen every room with you," he whispers, his fingers playing with the button on her jeans.

She laughs and opens her eyes, looking right into his. For the first time in her life, she feels safe becoming dependent. "Me neither," she whispers, and leans back, attempting for the first time in her life to just let things happen and stop worrying.

- - -

TBC


	4. Four

**Disclaimer**: If they were mine, I'd be driving a nicer car.  
**Author's Notes**: I AM SO SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO POST THIS. I suck, I know. I could just blame it on being really busy (because I have been), but the truth is I just couldn't make this chapter work. I finally finished it, after many kicks in the ass from Heather, and hopefully I managed to not completely butcher them. Jess - thank you so much for beta-ing this for me. I don't know what I'd do without your help.

This is sort of a bridge chapter so hopefully the next ones will be easier to write...

- - -

Olivia opens the shower curtain, reaching for a towel to wrap around her body. When she takes a step out of the tub, she feels lightheaded and steadies herself with a hand on the towel rack. Just as she's about to move, she feels her stomach churn and she immediately sits down on the edge of the bathtub, dreading the moment when she has to stand up again.

"Liv?" Elliot calls out, knocking softly on the door.

She takes a breath before answering. "Yeah?"

Elliot opens the door and she immediately tries to come up with an adequate lie for when he asks. "We're almost-" he pauses, staring at her as she sits on the tub. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"Kicked my foot on the edge of the tub," she lies. "It's fine now. What were you saying?"

"I was just saying that we're ready to start moving the rest of the boxes. Fin and I just finished getting the big stuff from my place and there are only about six boxes left there. I just loaded the car with the rest of the boxes from your bedroom and the living room and I'll take them over to the apartment. John, Casey, and Don said they'd be there by ten."

Olivia nods. "I'll be there soon," she tells him, forcing a smile.

He stares at her for a moment, as if trying to figure out if he should say something or not, but he finally smiles back and waves before heading out the door. "See you in a little while," he says.

She waits until she hears the front door shut before getting up from the edge of the tub. She reaches into the cabinet over the toilet and onto the top shelf, behind a box of tampons, finding the small, white, rectangular box with the words "First Response" written across it. She sighs, opening it, and reads the directions carefully.

While she waits for the alarm on her watch to go off, she sits on the edge of the tub again, still wrapped in only a towel. Her stomach is doing back flips, and she's not sure if it's just from nerves or if it's a symptom of the pregnancy she's so afraid of. Finally the alarm on her watch goes off and she stands quickly and looks at the test in the sink.

She tries to breath, but that just makes the nausea worse, and she immediately drops to her knees in front of the toilet, emptying her stomach. Finally, she reaches to flush the toilet and leans back against the bathtub, bringing her knees up to her chest, resting her forehead on them, her eyes closed as she tries to force her stomach to remain settled.

Eventually she feels well enough to stand and makes her way to the sink, finding her toothbrush in the medicine cabinet and brushing vigorously for nearly five minutes. As she rinses her mouth, she catches sight of herself in the full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. She turns off the water, then turns, dropping her towel to the floor and looking at her body in the mirror. Turning to the side, she rests her hands on the on her flat abdomen and takes a ragged breath, trying to keep her emotions in check.

- - -

"I think that's it," Elliot says, setting down the last box next to the couch in the living room. He stretches, his back popping, and groans. "God that hurts."

"You're just using that as an excuse so that when Cap and I kick your ass at pool tonight you don't look like such a loser," Fin jokes.

Elliot rolls his eyes. "Who says you're going to win?" he asks.

"It's you and Munch. How will we not?" Don asks, smiling.

John feigns offense. "See the abuse we deal with?" he asks no one in particular. "It's a wonder Stabler and I have any egos left at all."

Olivia, who has until then, been unpacking a box on the other side of the room, snorts loudly. "Oh, sorry. I thought you were being sarcastic." Casey, who is sitting next to Olivia, helping her put books on the bookshelf, laughs loudly.

"All right...what do you say we call it a night and go get a drink," Elliot says, popping his neck. "I don't think I have the energy to do much of anything else at the moment."

"Sounds good to me," Don says as they start towards the door of Elliot and Olivia's new three-bedroom apartment.

Olivia slowly gets up from the floor, steadying herself against the bookcase. Elliot studies her for a moment and she blushes, realizing that everyone is looking at her. "You okay?" Elliot asks, trying not to sound too concerned so that she won't get mad at him for overreacting.

"I'm fine...just stood up to fast," she assures him. "But I don't think I'm going to go...I'm exhausted. I'd probably fall asleep during the first round. You guys go ahead, I'm just going to watch a movie and go to bed early, I think."

Elliot nods, reaching for her and disguising his whisper as a soft kiss to her cheek. "You sure you're okay? I don't mind staying-" He feels her soft smile against his cheek and she shakes her head; he understands it to mean that she just wants to be left alone at the moment. "All right. I won't stay long...I'm exhausted, too," he promises, and kisses her quickly, smiling against her lips. "Love you."

"Love you, too," she tells him, and watches as the guys head out the door.

"Casey, you coming?" Elliot asks before shutting the door.

"No, Liv and I need some girl talk and then I'm going to head home," Casey says. "Thanks for the invite, though. Don't let Don and Fin win too many times."

Elliot rolls his eyes at her and shuts the door after smiling one more time at Olivia. The second he shuts the door, Casey turns to her friend and raises an eyebrow.

"Okay, what's going on with you?" Casey asks as Olivia heads towards the couch and lays down on her side, closing her eyes immediately.

"Nothing," Olivia promises, shaking her head slightly. "Just haven't been getting much sleep."

"You look like hell," Casey says, moving to the couch and sitting in the empty space next to Olivia's legs. She shifts slightly so she can look at her face as she talks. "I can tell something's up, so you might as well just tell me."

Olivia sighs, picking at a loose thread in the worn blue couch they brought from Olivia's old apartment. She doesn't look at Casey, instead focusing on the fabric; on the cream colored carpet of the living room. "I haven't told Elliot yet," she whispers, then looks up at Casey, trying to find the strength to just say the words that she's been dying to say aloud all day. "I'm pregnant."

Casey's eyes widen for a moment. "Oh, wow. I thought you were on the pill."

Olivia nods. "I was. I, uh...I missed a couple. During the Wilson case, about a month ago. We were so busy at work that I just spaced out and forgot to take it for a couple days. I've been on it so long that I don't even have to think about it anymore, so when I didn't take it...I guess it just didn't hit me. I didn't realize until about a week later that I had missed them. We'd already had sex a couple of times without using anything...wasn't much I could do about it." She groans. "I was hoping we'd be okay since I'd just gotten over my period, but I guess I was wrong."

Casey smirks and raises an eyebrow. "That's seventh grade sex ed, Olivia." The detective hardly even cracks a smile. "When did you find out?"

"I'm nine days late...I took the test this morning. I kept putting it off, hoping it was just stress from work and packing and everything. But I've been sick the last couple of days and I wanted to know for sure." She groans again, rubbing her hand over her face. "I'm exhausted. I couldn't keep anything down this morning. I have to pee every five minutes..."

"I thought that was only later in the pregnancy," Casey comments.

"No, it's one of the earliest symptoms, then goes away for a while, until you're so fat that the baby's pressing on your bladder." Olivia runs her hand through her hair, shaking her head slightly. "Oh, and apparently...morning sickness? Not just the morning." She rolls her eyes. "I'm so looking forward to this."

Casey smiles softly and takes her friend's hand. "Liv, I know you're attempting to be all bitter and sarcastic right now and pretend that you're not happy...but I know that you are, so you can knock it off with the bullshit tough girl attitude. It's okay to be scared. It's also okay to be thrilled about this."

Olivia blushes slightly and shakes her head. "I just... What if..."

"What if what?"

"Nothing...I guess I'm just not sure I'm ready for this. If Elliot and I are ready for this. A baby? We just moved in together. The boxes aren't even unpacked yet. How are we supposed to..." she trails off yet again.

"How come you haven't told him?" Casey asks. "He'd want to know."

"I know...I'm going to. I just took the test this morning. I'm just trying to figure out exactly how to tell him. I know he'll love this baby and that he'll always be there. But I also know that he's almost done with the parenting thing. Maureen's done with college in May. Kathleen's off to school. The twins only have three years left after this one before they're going off to college. What if he doesn't want to start over?"

"He will, Liv," Casey says, squeezing her hand again. "You know him well enough to know that." Olivia shrugs, lacking the energy to argue with the blonde. "When was the last time you had anything to eat?"

"I managed to keep down a bagel just before lunch time," she says. "I haven't dared try anything sense. I'm hoping the nausea's just worse because I'm stressed."

"My sister has been through it three times and always said it was worse if she had an empty stomach," Casey says, her hand resting on Olivia's arm. "You need to eat something, what do you want?"

She thinks for a moment, shrugging again. "There's not much in the kitchen, we just brought some cereal and stuff like that from Elliot's."

Casey gets up from the couch and heads into the kitchen, looking through the boxes on the counter. She returns to the couch a moment later, sitting down again. "There's a box of Froot Loops, some Kraft macaroni and cheese, and stuff for a peanut butter and fluff sandwich. I'll run to the store."

"No, a bowl of Froot Loops actually sounds really good," Olivia tells her.

"Liv, you need to eat something more than Froot Loops," Casey says, getting ready to lecture. "You-"

"I know," she says, putting her hand up to stop Casey. "I just don't know what I'll be able to keep down right now and that sounds at least slightly appetizing."

Casey sighs. "Fine. Bowl of Froot Loops it is." Casey starts to stand, but Olivia stops her.

"I can get my own bowl of cereal," Olivia says, sitting up on the couch. She stops when Casey glares at her and shakes her head. "Jesus Christ. I never should have told you."

"You've been on your feet all day. It's not going to kill you to allow someone else to do something for you for once," Casey tells her, and heads toward the kitchen before she can say anything else.

- - -

Elliot fumbles with his keys for a moment, trying to remember which key goes to each of the three locks on the apartment door before finally getting it open. The TV is on, but the lights are all off, and he slowly makes his way toward the couch, assuming that Olivia has fallen asleep there. He trips over a box, then almost falls when the toe of his right Nike catches the rug. He's not used to this apartment yet; it's not like his old one, or Olivia's old one, where he could walk through it with the lights off and step over the laundry basket in the middle of the bedroom floor by habit.

Elliot almost jumps when he realizes the person lying on the couch is, in fact, Casey, and not his girlfriend. "Casey," he says, laying his hand on her shoulder. She startles, then sits up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"God, what time is it?" she asks.

"Almost midnight," Elliot says, looking down at his watch. "Where's Olivia?"

"Asleep, I'd imagine," Casey says, yawning. "She wasn't feeling well, so I told her to go lay down. I stuck around in case she needed anything."

Elliot nods, considering her words for a moment. "She okay?"

Casey nods, smiling reassuringly. "She's exhausted, and I think she's just got a lot on her mind right now, but she's fine."

"Thanks for all the help today, Casey," Elliot says as she stands from the couch and heads for the door. "See you Monday."

"Don't remind me," she groans good naturedly, and waves before shutting the door behind her.

Elliot walks back over, relocking it, then heads into the bedroom, kicking off his shoes and climbing into bed next to Olivia. He can tell she's awake and he feels her tense when he wraps his arms around her, pulling her back against his chest. He kisses the top of her head and laces his fingers with her right hand.

"Hey," he says softly, his lips right next to her ear.

"Hey," she replies, squeezing his fingers tightly with hers. "Did you and the guys have fun?"

"Yeah. Don and Fin killed me and Munch at pool. I had to buy them three rounds of drinks, and of course, Don had to pick the most expensive bottled water they had," Elliot laughs, smiling against her ear. Soon his hand makes it's way to her abdomen, resting gently underneath the hem of her T-shirt. "So. Were you going to tell me?" he asks.

She holds it in place with her own. He can feel it when she takes a deep breath, releasing it slowly before speaking. "Did Casey tell you?"

"No. I had my suspicions. I took a shot and you just confirmed it." He hesitates for a moment. "You told Casey before me?"

She turns onto her other side to face him despite her apprehension. "Sorry, I just needed to talk it out with someone and she was here."

Elliot nods, playing with her hair next to her ear. "I saw the pregnancy test in the bathroom cupboard at your place the other day," he tells her. She can hear something in his voice, but she's too distracted to decide if it's a twinge anger or disappointment, or if it's something else entirely. "I was going to ask, but I figured you'd tell me when you were ready."

She closes her eyes, moving closer to him, and breathes deep, comforted by the smell of his laundry detergent on his blue cotton T-shirt. "I took it this morning," she says, her voice quiet. "It was positive." He doesn't say anything for a moment and she looks down at the sheets, drawing circles with her fingers. "I, uh... I forgot to take some of my pills," she explains, swallowing hard. "I should have told you when I first realized, I'm sorry." He still doesn't speak and she blinks, a couple of tears falling down her face. "I know you're probably pretty pissed off at me right now, but I-"

"Liv," Elliot says gently, unwilling to let her finish telling him how he might feel. "I was pissed at first," he admits and she looks away. He puts his finger under her chin, forcing her to look at him again. "Let me finish," he says, smiling softly despite the firmness of his voice. "I was pissed, not because I don't want you to be pregnant, but because you didn't tell me. You should have told me when you realized you forgot the pills, and if not then, you should have told me when you realized you were late. I understand why you didn't, but I'm still pissed that you didn't. Look...I'm happy with our lives the way they are, but that doesn't mean..." he groans, running his hand over his face. "This isn't coming out right at all."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Elliot, but please, just talk to me," she pleads, fighting tears. "Just tell me what the hell you're thinking, because right now I'm-"

He quiets her with a gentle kiss, running his fingers through her hair. "I'm trying to say that I was pissed at first that you hadn't told me, but I had some time to think about it and I'm... It's not going to be easy, Liv. But the past couple of days, I keep thinking about her. What she's going to look like and how she's going to act. God, Liv, I'm in love with her already and I didn't even know for sure until a few minutes ago. Yes I'm pissed that you didn't tell me, and no, I wasn't secretly hoping that you'd forget a pill and I'd get you pregnant. But it happened. I'm fucking terrified and I'm angry that you didn't tell me, but I love you and I love this baby and I'm here. It's not an ideal situation, but it's what we've got, and we'll get through it."

Olivia swallows hard, trying to keep her emotions in check. "She, huh?" she finally says, smiling through the tears that have started to fall. "How do you know it's a girl?"

"I'm pretty good at producing them, don't you think?" he says with a cocky half-smile.

She rolls over onto her back and stares at the ceiling for a few moments. "I'm so terrified, Elliot. What if we don't work out? What if-"

"I can't promise you that we're going to," he says, squeezing her hand. "We're not perfect, so I can't promise that we're not going to screw this up sooner or later. But I love you, Olivia, and our relationship has never been easy, so you know I'm not going to take off just because it got a little tougher." He closes his eyes, resting his head next to hers on her pillow. "I'm not going to feed you some fake romantic line about how we're not going to end. We both know that love isn't necessarily enough. But I'm not going to give up on us easily and I will never give up when it comes to this baby. Even if you and I don't work out, I will always be there for her."

Olivia nods, now crying quietly. He doesn't remember the last time he saw her cry openly, especially over something in her personal life. From time to time he sees her cry because of cases, but this is different. These aren't tears of compassion; they're of fear. Of confusion and doubt. Of happiness, despite it all, because although his words are far from romantic, they're real, and they're exactly what she needs to hear right now. "What if I can't-"

He interrupts her again, gently placing a finger to her lips. He looks her in the eye and shakes his head. "You are not your mother, Olivia," he tells her firmly, reading her mind. "And don't feed me some bullshit line about not knowing what it takes to be a parent. You are amazing with my kids, and you are going to be amazing with this one, too. I'm with you, through all of it, and even if I wasn't, you'd still figure it out."

She doesn't say anything more for a moment. "I'm so terrified right now," she admits. "I've stood with a gun in my face before. I've had to go undercover to catch the most gruesome criminals in this city. But I..." she pauses, shaking her head. "I've never been this afraid before." She reaches up and wipes away her tears before lowering her left hand to her abdomen. "I'm happy, though. I never thought I would be if this happened, but I am." She reaches for his hand with her right and places it on her abdomen, next to her own. She sighs, turning her head slightly to rest it on his shoulder. They remain quiet for a few minutes, simply lying in silence, lost in their own thoughts. "I can't wait until I can feel a difference. I want to feel him kicking and moving around so that I know he's really there."

"He, huh?" Elliot asks, smiling.

"Yeah. A little boy with your annoying smirk," she says, moving closer to him, resting her head on his chest. "And your eyes. A boy that'll grow up to be as honorable and brave as you. Maybe he'll even have your receding hairline," she jokes, reaching up to run her hand through his hair. He glares, but can't help but smile, and she kisses him gently, her hands still running through his hair. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he tells her, and leans down until he can place a gentle kiss on her abdomen. "I can't wait until you're so huge that you can hardly move and I have to wait on you hand and foot. You'll be begging me to rub your feet and make you dinner and help you up from the couch...and you won't give me any of that knight-in-shining armor bullshit. I can't wait."

"You'll probably throw it in my face until he leaves for college, won't you?" she asks, wiping the moisture from her eyes and face.

"Probably longer," he says, and she can tell by his smile that it's a promise.

- - -

TBC


	5. Five

**Disclaimer**: Still not mine.  
**Author's Notes**: This wasn't planned. At all. It just sort of happened. Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing this, it means a lot to me. I've been really doubting this story lately and when I went back and read reviews, it helped me finish this chapter. And thank you to a few other people, too, who all know who they are :).

I'm going to try and write the next chapter in less time than this took me. Try being the keyword.

- - -

The door to Olivia's hospital room opens slowly and Elliot smiles when he sees that she's awake. "Hey," he says softly, sitting down in the chair next to her bed. "How are you feeling?"

She shrugs, rolling from her back onto her side so she can face him. "How long have I been out?"

"Few hours," Elliot says, smiling sadly. "Olivia...there's..." he hesitates. "There's something I need to tell-"

"I know." Her whisper interrupts him and he reaches for her hand, lacing their fingers together as she closes her eyes. "I couldn't remember what happened when I woke up...I read my chart." She opens her eyes but doesn't look at him. "How long until we can get out of here?"

"I don't know," Elliot says, his thumb rubbing circles across the back of her hand. "You lost a lot of blood, Liv, it might be a day or two before they let you leave."

She nods, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. "Where were you?" He raises an eyebrow, not sure what she's talking about. "Just now, when I was asleep," she clarifies.

"Cragen called earlier and I was calling him back. He wanted to know how you were doing. If you're feeling up for visitors, he said to call and he and the guys would stop by," Elliot explains. "I called Casey, too. She said she's coming by later tonight whether you feel up for visitors or not."

The small smirk that appears on Olivia's face, even if just for a split second, makes Elliot smile, too. "Can you go find the doctor? See how long until we can get out of here? I'll sign whatever papers they want, I just want to go home."

Elliot hesitates for only a moment and then nods. "I'll be right back."

He returns ten minutes later, Dr. Hirsch, a doctor she's known for years from interviewing victims at this particular hospital, following behind him. "Good to see you're awake, Detective," the red head says, glancing at Olivia's chart again before looking up at her. "Did Elliot explain to you what happened?" she asks.

"I read my chart," Olivia says, pushing her hair out of her face. "Is there any way I can get out of here tonight?"

Dr. Hirsch sighs heavily, watching her closely for a moment. "Against my better judgement, and only because I know that you'd sign out AMA anyway, I'll release you after examining you again as long as everything looks okay and you promise to follow orders and do what I tell you."

"As long as I can get out of here, I'll do pretty much anything."

- - -

Just after four, Olivia wakes, completely uncomfortable. The sharp pains have been replaced with small cramps, but she still can't sleep. Slowly and quietly, she gets out of bed, careful not to wake Elliot. In the kitchen, she pours herself a glass of water and sits down at the table, already feeling weak from walking across the apartment. She doesn't remember ever feeling this tired; this weak, like she could sleep for days and still need more time to rest.

She feels a headache coming on and gently massages her forehead with the fingers of her right hand. After a moment, she looks up to check the time on the microwave and catches sight of the spines of two books that she saw at the book store the other day when she was shopping with Maureen. _What to Expect When You're Expecting_ and _A to Z Baby Names_ look back at her, mocking her, and she suddenly feels sick.

She feels the tears start to fall, the only ones she's shed since she read her chart in the empty hospital room, and she tries to fight them. But fighting the tears only adds to her nausea, and she quickly makes her way to the bathroom, dropping to her knees in front of the toilet and throwing up what little she'd managed to force down at dinner. Words fill her mind, written in Dr. Hirsch's messy scrawl, making the nausea even worse.

_Eleven weeks.  
Heavy vaginal bleeding combined with back pain and abdominal cramps.  
Incomplete miscarriage. No obvious cause.  
D&C performed without further complication._

Finally, her stomach stops heaving and she reaches up to flush the toilet, pushing back onto her butt and sitting on the bathroom floor with her back against the porcelain of the bathtub. It's not until she feels a cool wash cloth pressing against her forehead that she realizes Elliot is in the bathroom with her and she opens her eyes slowly, looking up at him.

"You okay?" Elliot asks, wiping her face with the cloth and then sitting down on the floor next to her, gently rubbing her back.

She nods, relaxing as his hand continues to draw circles through his T-shirt that she had slipped on before going to bed. "I'm okay. Just..." she trails off and Elliot nods, understanding.

"Just to be on the safe side, let's take your temperature. Dr. Hirsch said that vomiting and fever were signs of an infection." He stands up, making his way to the medicine cabinet and digging around until he finds the thermometer.

"I'm fine," Olivia says again, but places it under her tongue when he hands it to her without further complaint. They sit in silence for a few minutes until it beeps. Olivia looks at it, then hands it to him. "99.2."

"Good," Elliot says, taking the thermometer back from her. "Do you feel well enough to go back to bed?"

"I think I should stay here for a couple more minutes," Olivia says, shaking her head. "I think I'm okay, I just...I don't want to get up too soon."

He nods. "Is there anything I can get you?"

"We don't have any ginger ale, do we?" she asks.

"I doubt it, but I can go get some. Anything else you need?" He starts to stand up and she stops him, resting her head against his chest. He can feel her start to cry and he wraps his arms around her, holding her tighter against him. "God, Liv, I don't know what to do to make this better. I don't..." he trails off, continuing to rock her as she cries, her tears soaking through the wifebeater that covers his chest. "Tell me what to do and it's done, Liv. Anything."

She mumbles something when her tears finally slow and he kisses the top of her head before whispering close to her ear, "what'd you say?"

"I don't know either," she repeats, breaking away from him and slowly getting up from the floor. She makes her way to the sink, reaching for her toothbrush, and Elliot watches her for a moment. "I don't know what to do, either," she says again, barely audible, before putting toothpaste on the brush.

- - -

Olivia is standing in the kitchen pouring milk over the bowl of cereal that she's calling dinner when she hears a knock on the door to the apartment. Elliot is at Elizabeth's basketball game, so she sets the milk carton on the counter and hurries to the door, looking through the peep hole. On the other side stands her captain, looking like he's not very happy with her.

She unlocks the door quickly and opens it, motioning for him to come inside. "I was going to call you," Olivia explains, looking down at the floor. "I just..."

Don nods, stopping her from explaining further. "I know. I just needed to talk to you about a few things. Elliot stopped by the precinct earlier to pick up some stuff before going to Elizabeth's game and I figured stopping by when he wasn't home was the best way to get you to talk."

Olivia smiles slightly and nods, heading back towards the kitchen, followed closely by Don. He stands a few feet away from her, leaning against the counter, and watches as she pours a little bit more milk on what he only assumes is cereal.

"That doesn't look real healthy," he points out.

"It's Cookie Crisps. Dickie and Liz eat them all the time. I, uh...I needed some comfort food, you know?" Olivia says, pulling open a drawer and finding a spoon. "What'd you need to talk to me about?" she asks, looking at the counter instead of at him.

"Elliot said the doctor gave you a week, minimum, before you could come back to work. Monday is a week and I wanted to make sure we were clear on a few things before you show up expecting to be out in the field." Olivia nods, waiting for him to continue. She had figured that's what he was here to talk to her about. "I'm not going to pretend to understand what you're going through enough to know how you feel, or even to tell you how to handle it. But I can't let you back in the field, around suspects, and carrying a gun until you've talked to a shrink."

"I figured," Olivia says, running her hand through her hair. "I'm going to. I know I need to, but I..." she trails off. "I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it yet."

He nods, reaching over to lay his hand on her forearm. "And that's fine. You have quite a bit of personal time saved up and if you need more...we'll work something out. I didn't come over to tell you that you had to be at work on Monday, just to tell you that you need to talk to someone before you do. Huang said to just let him know when and he'd clear his schedule for you, or that if you felt more comfortable talking to a woman, he'd recommend some people."

Olivia nods, biting her lip, trying not to cry. She hasn't talked about this with anyone but Elliot, not even Casey, and even with him, she doesn't say much. She doesn't want to think about it; doesn't want to talk about how she feels or how much it hurts with someone who has absolutely no idea what she's going through. Talking about it makes it real. Talking about it with Don makes it almost physically painful. "I'll call him. Not yet, but I will."

"Just keep me posted on what's going on. And don't forget to return my phone calls, either," Don warns. Olivia forces a smile, trying to keep the tears that are filling her eyes from falling. "Hey, uh... how about I take you to dinner?" he asks, pointing to her now soggy cereal. "I was supposed to meet an old friend for dinner but he called to cancel a few minutes ago." He sees her hesitation and he makes the mistake of pushing harder. "It'd do you good to get out for a little while. Come on, my treat."

Olivia shakes her head, resting her hand over his. "Thanks, but I don't really feel up to going out. I'm not very hungry anyway."

"Do you want some company, then?" he asks, suddenly trying to remember the last time he was alone with Olivia without it being work related. He thinks it might have been during her first couple years in the unit, when she came into his office one night to ask him why he was working late instead of going home. That was when he told her about Marge, about why his house was empty and why he hated going there after dealing with their gruesome cases all day long. He doesn't think he's shared anything personal with her since, and he has the sudden fatherly impulse to start telling her about his childhood, to try and make her feel better by telling her about some dumbass thing he did as a kid to make her laugh.

"I kind of just want to be alone. I'm not really in the right place for human interaction right now. I think I'm just going to go take a nap," she says, running her hand through her hair. "Thanks for the offer, though."

"Okay," he says, hesitating for only a second before squeezing her shoulder. "I'll talk to you soon then, right?"

"Absolutely," Olivia assures him, digging her nails into her palm, her hand resting on the counter. She is trying to keep herself from thinking too much about it; about what it will feel like to sit in the chair in Huang's office and tell him how she's feeling, how much it hurts. About how guilty she feels.

She can feel the tears start the second her apartment door shuts and she quickly pours her now soggy cereal into the sink and goes into her bedroom, climbing under the covers with her clothes on and curling up with her arms around Elliot's pillow. She buries her nose in it, breathing in the smell of him, and tries to forget. To relax. To not think about the baby she lost. _His baby_. The baby that was supposed to have his eyes. His smile. His love.

- - -

She's sound asleep when Elliot returns to the apartment. He is about to wake her up, to ask her if she's eaten yet, but he sees her soft smile as she sleeps and he decides not to wake her just yet. She looks too peaceful, too happy, for him to burden her with reality at the moment.

Instead, he quietly heads back into the kitchen, making himself a turkey sandwich and eating as he cleans up. He loads the dishwasher, puts away the almost-empty box of Cookie Crisps that she had left on the counter next to the stove. And finally, he starts going through papers on the counter. He piles bills into one stack and junk mail into another. And last, he picks up the books from on top of the microwave and is about to put them on the bookcase next to the couch. Their titles catch his eye.

_What to Expect When You're Expecting.  
A to Z Baby Names._

He resists the urge to throw them across the room and instead takes them over to the bookcase, hiding them behind Olivia's ancient copies of Jane Eyre and Pride and Prejudice. Books he doesn't think he's ever seen her read, but that she keeps because they remind her of her mother.

Just as he's putting the baby name book away, a piece of paper slips out and he takes it, assuming it'll be the sales slip from Barnes and Noble.

Instead, it's a white slip of paper with Olivia's sloppy handwriting. After nine years, he doesn't even have to strain to read her handwriting.

_Nadine. Hope.  
Erin. Peace.  
Luke. Bringer of light.  
Matthew. God's gift._

He sees the tear hit the paper before he feels them falling down his face and he immediately swipes at them, angry at himself for crying. All of a sudden, he feels an even greater loss than he did before. The baby they've lost isn't just a nameless hypothetical anymore. It's Matthew, with Olivia's big brown eyes. Their gift.

"Elliot?" he hears her voice and immediately puts the paper back inside the book, sticking it on the shelf before she can see what it is. "What are you doing?" she asks.

He grabs the first book he can, opening it up. "Just...looking for something. Elizabeth is reading this book in school and she was talking about it. I wanted to know what it is."

Olivia walks over to him, lifting the book slightly so she can see the title. She smiles at him, catching him. "They're assigning her one of my mother's old text books? How boring." Elliot sets it back on the shelf, not sure what to say. She looks up at him and notices something in his eyes. She hadn't realized until now how much he is hurting, too. "Elliot-"

"I'm fine," he says, shaking his head, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. "Do you need anything?"

"I'm not an invalid, Elliot. You don't need to ask me that every time you walk into the same room as me," she says gently, resting her hand on his forearm.

He nods, pressing his forehead against hers. "Olivia...I think it's time we talked about this. We need to. Because I'm completely lost here and I know you are, too, and we can't-"

"I'm not ready," she says, shaking her head and fighting tears. "I can't talk to you about it. I can't, Elliot."

"Damnit, Liv, you're not the only one who's hurting here!" He regrets raising his voice before he's even finished his sentence, but he doesn't apologize. "It was my baby, too, Olivia," he says, his voice far from strong and commanding.

"I'm so sorry, Elliot," she whispers, turning away from him and heading back into the bedroom.

"Don't be sorry, just talk to me. Tell me what you're feeling right now. Let me hold you." He swipes at his eyes when he feels tears welling up in them again. "Damnit, Liv, I need you right now just as much as you need me. Don't shut me out."

"I can't be here for you right now," she says, keeping her back to him. Her forehead rests against the wall as she continues to hide from him; from what he's asking of her. "Jesus, Elliot, how am I supposed to be there for you when I can't even be there for myself?"

He doesn't say anything, choosing instead to walk closer to her, resting his hand on her back. He leans forward, kissing the back of her head as he gently rubs her back in calming circles. "I don't know, Olivia, but we need to figure this out. We need to talk this out or else I'm afraid we won't survive this. We can make it through if we try, but we're not even trying right now."

She turns around, looking right at him as tears stream down her face. "I can't try, Elliot. I can't. Not right now. Not when I'm where I am right now. I don't..." she groans, angry with herself for breaking. "I don't know how to be with you when I can't even figure out what I feel right now."

"Olivia-"

"I think..." she hesitates, looking down at the floor. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and says the words she can't believe she's saying. "I think I need some time. I'm, uh...I'm gonna go to Casey's. For the night. Maybe a little longer," she says, her voice cracking. "I just need to figure out some stuff before I can..." she trails off and looks up at him. She expects to see anger, but when she looks into his eyes she sees nothing but devastation.

Devastation that _she_ caused.

And so she does the only thing she knows how to do when her relationships get hard.

She digs around in her closet until she finds her duffel bag, pulling open her drawer and throwing in a couple pairs of pants without refolding them, some underwear, an extra bra. She gets a few sweaters out of her closet and puts them in on top. She disappears for a minute and comes back into the bedroom with her toothbrush and her deodorant. She looks at him again, seeing the look on his face, and decides that she's making the right decision. That she can't hurt him if she's not there. If he doesn't have her to worry about, maybe he can heal.

She wraps her arms around his waist, resting her forehead against his chest as she feels his arms tighten around her. "I can't let you go," Elliot says, continuing to hold her even after she has let go of him. "Liv, we can work this out, but not if you run away. Not if you-"

"Elliot, I have to. I love you so much but I can't do this now. I can't keep hurting you when you're hurting enough already. I have to make myself stronger before I can make this work."

His words keep echoing in her head the entire cab ride to Casey's. As she rides the elevator up six stories. As she knocks on the door to 6A and waits, her forehead resting against the door frame. Even as the door opens and she realizes from the not-at-all surprised look on Casey's face that he's already called her, she can't get his words out of her head.

_"Let me make you stronger."_

- - -

TBC


	6. Six

A/N: Sorry, I completely forgot to post this here! I thought I did this a few weeks ago, but I guess not. One chapter (the epilogue) after this, I'm adding it momentarily.

* * *

"Liv?" Casey says softly, pushing open the door to her guest bedroom, hating to wake her friend after she's finally fallen asleep. "Liv," she says again, sitting down on the edge of the bed and resting her hand on the detective's back.

Olivia slowly opens her eyes and groans. "Hmmm?"

"Elliot's on the phone again," Casey says, holding her hand over the mouth piece of her cordless phone. "He wants to talk to you."

Olivia shakes her head, closing her eyes again and turning onto her side so she doesn't have to look at Casey. "Tell him I'll call him later. I can't. Not right now. I can't do this right now."

Casey nods, forcing herself to keep her mouth shut and not argue. Right now, tonight, she's willing to make up an excuse for her. Tomorrow Olivia won't be so lucky, but at three a.m., just a few hours after the fight that resulted in Olivia showing up at her apartment at midnight, she's willing to cut her some slack. "Are you sure?"

When she nods, Casey stands up and makes her way towards the door, bringing the phone back to her ear. "Elliot-"

"She won't take the phone, will she?" The sadness is evident in his voice and Casey wishes she had the courage to go back into the bedroom and force the phone into Olivia's hand.

"I'm sorry," Casey says, sighing. "I'd fight her on it, but she's a wreck right now. I don't think I'd be able to do anything except upset her more."

"Yeah," Elliot says, remaining silent for a moment. "Can you try and push her to talk about it? Even just with you? I want her to talk to me, but if she won't, I want her to talk to someone. Just-"

"I will," Casey says, wishing more than anything that she could just fix her two friends, because hearing them sound like this, sound so shattered and broken, is absolutely killing her. "We talked earlier and I think I convinced her to call Huang. We'll see if she actually does it."

"Good," Elliot says, sighing. "Casey, thanks for-"

"You don't need to thank me," Casey tells him. "She's my best friend. This is all part of the job description." When Elliot doesn't say anything more, Casey continues. "Go get some sleep, Elliot. I'll push her to call you tomorrow. Maybe things will seem easier in the morning, you know? But right now there's nothing else you can do."

"Yeah, I guess," Elliot says, but she can tell from his voice that he has no intentions of falling asleep until Olivia's home and in bed next to him.

Kathy glances at her watch, as she makes her way down the hallway of her ex-husband's apartment building. It's just after seven p.m. on Tuesday, and according to Maureen, he and Olivia are still off work until the end of the week, so she assumes he'll be home. She knocks on the door to apartment 4D, waiting for an answer.

Finally, she hears Elliot's footsteps on the other side of the door and the sound of it unlocking before he pulls it open. "Kath? What are you doing here?" he asks, scrubbing his hand over his face. He looks like he hasn't slept in a week, like he hasn't shaved in almost as long.

"Dickie called me before I left work. He left his math book here last time he was with you and he has a test tomorrow that he has to study for." She pauses. "Sorry I didn't call first. I didn't realize my cell phone battery was dead until I'd already left work."

"He hasn't been here in over a week," Elliot says, sighing, as he steps aside to let her in. "I'm sure that's going to be a spectacular grade."

Kathy smiles, following Elliot towards the bedrooms. "He said he left it on the kitchen table."

"Olivia cleaned up the other day," he says. "She probably put it on the desk in his room."

"Is she here?" Kathy asks, stepping inside the room with green walls and a New York Yankees poster above the bed. Elliot looks quickly through the papers and books on the desk in the corner, and finally finds the Algebra book. He hands it to Kathy and shakes his head.

"She's at Casey's," he says simply, unable to keep from looking her in the eye. He knows she'll figure it out just by looking at him. Despite the end of their twenty-year marriage, he knows she can still read him.

"How long?"

"Since Thursday night. When I got home from Lizzie's game she… I don't know, it wasn't a fight, really, but I was pushing her to talk to me about it and she said she needed some time alone to work through this. It's been five days and she still hasn't answered my phone calls."

"El, I'm so sorry," Kathy says, shaking her head. "I take it she's not dealing with this very well?"

Elliot shakes his head, shrugging. "Not that I am, either, but…" He shrugs again, looking away as tears burn at his eyes. "Fuck. What is it about me that makes me so goddamn easy to leave when things get hard?"

"Elliot, don't. Don't compare this to what happened between us. What you and Olivia are going through right now… God, El. I can't even imagine that. I can't even imagine how hard it is for her, or for you. It's not about you two realizing it just isn't working anymore like it was with us. This is a giant road block, but you'll get through it."

"I don't even know what to say to her," Elliot admits, looking down at the blue carpet of his son's room. "I've spent the past week and a half trying to figure out how to talk to her about this, how to comfort her. I have no fucking idea, though. I can't think of anything to say that's going to make any difference to her. How do you…" he trails off, shaking his head.

"Just remind her that you're there. That you're hurting, too. Once she figures out what she needs you to say, she'll help you figure it out." Kathy reaches over, resting her hand on his back, trying to awkwardly offer him comfort when two years ago, she would have known automatically what to say or do around him. "She'll be back."

Elliot nods and she understands that as his way of saying he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. "Thanks, Kath."

"Any time you need to talk…" she trails off. "I know it's awkward, but I don't want you to have to deal with this alone, so if you need to, you can always call me."

He smiles, nodding. "I'm okay."

"Thanks for the book," she says, holding it up. "And if you feel like you need some company this weekend, Jared and I didn't have anything planned with the twins. Just let me know and I'll bring them over. They understand, but I know they'd love to spend the weekend with you."

"I don't know if I'm a good person to be around right now," he says, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. "I want to see them, but maybe it would be best if we just went to dinner later this week or something."

"Liz's practice ends at five on Thursday, and Dickie's done with drum lessons at five-thirty," Kathy offers, knowing that a couple of hours with the twins will help him get through just a couple more days until he and Olivia start working through this.

"I'll pick them up," Elliot says, smiling genuinely for the first time since Olivia left for Casey's. "I'll even shave first," he adds, rubbing his chin with his hand and shaking his head self-depreciatingly.

Kathy nods, heading back towards the door. She stops with it halfway open and looks back at him, giving him a sympathetic smile. "Keep calling her. Even if she doesn't pick up, she'll know you're thinking about her."

"Why don't you take a seat," Huang says, motioning towards the large armchair that Olivia has been pacing in front of since entering his office. She nods and sits down, leaning forward slightly and resting her elbows on her thighs. She doesn't look at him or even make a sound. "Can I get you something to drink?"

She shakes her head, still looking at the floor. She rests her forehead against her hand, massaging it to lessen the pressure that's building. "Can we just start? I want to get this over with. No offense."

He smiles, glad to see her usual attitude shine through. "Where do you want to start?"

"I don't care," she says, looking up at him for less than a second before focusing her attention on the window.

"How do you think you're handling your miscarriage?" Huang asks, getting right to the point.

Olivia had hoped he'd start with something else, that he'd pick a topic that was easier to talk about before diving into everything that she's been avoiding. "I'm… I don't know. I guess I'm handling it pretty well. I do what I have to."

"Are you getting help from other people? Elliot or Casey or someone?"

"I've been trying to deal with it on my own," Olivia admits, shaking her head. "Casey's been there for me and Elliot tried, but he… He can't handle this. He has his own feelings about this to deal with; he shouldn't have to worry about mine, too."

"Did he tell you that?" Huang asks, raising an eyebrow.

"No, he wouldn't ever admit that he couldn't deal with it. But I know. I know how we work. One of us has to be strong if the other one isn't, and right now, we're both hurting too much for it to work. We, uh, we needed some time apart."

Huang nods, thinking for a moment, then looks right at her, hoping to get an honest answer. "How did you feel when the doctor told you that you'd miscarried?"

"I didn't hear it from the doctor," Olivia says, picking at the nail polish on her left thumb in a nervous habit she hasn't practiced since she was sixteen. He raises an eyebrow as if to inquire further and she continues, looking down at her hands instead of at him. "I, uh, I'd lost a lot of blood and I wasn't fully conscious by the time they figured out what exactly was going on. I woke up a few hours later and Elliot had left the room to go call Don and let him know how I was. I read my chart."

"How did you feel when you read it?" he asks.

"I was..." she shrugs, rubbing her hand over her eyes. "I don't know what you expect me to say. I had just found out that I'd…" her voice starts to falter and she takes a breath, determined to hold it together in front of him. "I'd just found out. How do you think I felt?"

"I don't know. I'm not you," Huang says, shrugging. "How did you feel?"

"I felt…guilty," she finally admits, sending a couple of tears down her face when she blinks. She bites the inside of her cheek to keep more tears from falling and shrugs. "That's how I felt."

"Why did you feel guilty?"

"Because the chart said there was no obvious cause for why it happened," she says, swiping at the tears that have begun falling down her face more rapidly with each breath she takes. "There was no medical reason why my body couldn't carry the baby to term. I'm healthy, I don't have any medical conditions that could have caused me to miscarry," she shrugs, shaking her head and taking a breath as she finally gets the tears to stop falling. "So it was something I did. It was the coffee that I kept drinking even after I missed my period. It was the fact that I didn't take it easy at work and that I kept pushing my body as hard as I could. If I hadn't… If I'd listened to the books and the doctors and to Elliot and been more careful, maybe I wouldn't have lost the baby. Maybe instead of sitting here talking about my goddamn feelings, I'd be at home with Elliot looking through a baby name book and fighting with him over whether or not I was going to let him talk me into naming our kid Amber or some other-" A sob rips through her chest and she tries to keep it under control, but it just makes her cry harder. "I don't deserve to have him comfort me."

Huang hands her the box of Kleenex from his desk and waits, patiently, for her to stop crying before asking her anything more.

She stands outside the door, pacing, unsure of her ability to put the key in the lock and go inside. It's home, but in a week, it's become one of the scariest places she can think of. She knows he's on the other side of the door, that he's probably trying to call her again despite the fact that he knows she won't pick up when he does.

She jumps when the door opens and she looks up, meeting his eyes with the deer-in-a-headlight look, hoping that he doesn't say anything. He almost smiles when he sees her, shutting the door behind him, a black garbage bag in his hand. She can hear laughter inside the apartment, the sound of Dickie's voice as he tells a joke to his sister.

Elliot says nothing, watching her for only a moment, then continuing down the hallway as if he hadn't seen her, allowing her the chance to do this on her own time frame. He returns from taking out the garbage and doesn't even acknowledge her presence as he goes back inside.

But she can't help but notice that he leaves the door unlocked.

Finally, she takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, and steps forward, reaching for the doorknob. She opens it, stepping inside, and nearly runs right into Dickie, who is walking towards the door.

"Hey," she says, smiling genuinely for the first time in almost two weeks when she sees him.

"Hi, Liv," Dickie says, suddenly looking slightly uncomfortable, like he's not sure what else to say. "Dad said you went to dinner with Casey."

"Casey had something else going on, so I came home," she lies, then looks up as Elliot walks in from the kitchen. "Hey. Did you miss me?" she asks, trying to make it into a joke, but she can tell from the look on his face and the way he doesn't respond that he's far from a joking mood when it comes to their current situation.

Instead, he turns to his son. "Jared's going to be here any minute to pick you guys up. Have you got your stuff together?"

"Almost," he says. "I was just looking for my sneakers." He spots them next to the door and then looks up, sees the look on his father's face, and immediately falls silent.

"Why don't you go see if you can find that library book you were looking for earlier?" Elliot suggests, and Dickie nods, heading towards his bedroom.

Olivia waits until the fourteen-year-old is out of earshot. "Elliot, I'm-"

"I know," he says, shaking his head. "We have a lot to talk about, but let's wait until the kids leave, okay? Jared's picking them up on his way home from work. He'll be here any minute."

"Okay," she says, looking him right in the eye. "Can you please hold me for just a second?" she asks, trying to keep her eyes from filling with tears.

"I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it together and I can't afford to fall apart in front of my kids," he says, swallowing hard, his voice heavy with emotion.

She nods, looking away from him and heading into the kitchen, forcing a smile when she sees Lizzie sitting at the table. "Hey," Olivia says, sitting down in the chair next to her. "How're you?"

Lizzie gets the same look on her face that Dickie had, one that says that she has absolutely no idea what to say to her. "I'm okay. Just studying for my test tomorrow. How 'bout you?"

"I'm okay," Olivia says, still forcing a smile.

"Liv, I'm really sorry about what happened. I don't know what else to-"

"I know," Olivia says, laying her hand on top of hers. "How's school going?" she asks, desperate to change the subject.

"Boring. Pointless. Stressful. Pick your adjective," Lizzie says, shrugging. She sighs when she hears Jared's voice talking to her father. "There's Jared." She shoves her notebook and World History book back into her backpack and stands up before looking back at Olivia for a second. "Dad said you might not feel up to it, but I'm starting in my game on Saturday. I was wondering if you…it's okay if you don't-"

"I'll be there," Olivia promises, interrupting her. "Good luck on your test."

"Bye, Liv," she hears Dickie yell, and she yells back that she'll see him on Saturday, then waves as Lizzie walks towards the front door to go back to Kathy's.

She hears the front door lock behind them and then footsteps as Elliot makes his way into the kitchen. "Come here," he says, standing with his back against the wall. She pushes her chair back and immediately goes to him, burying her face in his chest the moment he wraps his arms around her, his lips pressed to the top of her head.

They stand there in silence for a few moments, neither of them sure what to say.

"I'm sorry," Olivia sobs against him, her words barely making sense through her tears and the fact that they are muffled against his shirt. "I'm so sorry I took off, Elliot. I should have been able to deal with this. I should have been able to be there for you, but I-"

"Just don't do it again." She nods and he pulls her into his arms again, holding her tightly. "Are you here to stay or are you staying at Casey's longer?"

"Home," she says, pressing her lips against his neck and closing her eyes. "I talked to Huang. He helped me figure some stuff out. I know it doesn't excuse what I did, but I feel like losing the baby was my fault. And I guess I was almost trying to punish myself by leaving. I felt like I didn't deserve your comfort. I just didn't think how it would be affecting you if I left." He holds her tighter and she breathes in the scent of his aftershave. "How pissed off at me are you right now?"

"I'm not," he sighs, not sure how to explain what he feels. "I understand why you left. I know you didn't do it to hurt me. I know you did it because you felt like you had to. I'm more disappointed than angry. I thought you believed in us enough that you would have tried to work through it with me."

"When did you become so rational about talking about your feelings and working through things?" Olivia asks, and Elliot can't help but smile slightly, having asked her the same question months prior.

"When I realized that being pissed off all the time and running away from things that might hurt would end up ruining everything I've started with you. And I don't want to ruin us. I want us to last. You're…you're everything to me, Olivia. I can't lose you. I just can't."

"You won't," she says, shaking her head. "I'm ready to talk, Elliot. I'm ready to work on this so that we can fix us. I can't lose you, either. I can't do this without you. I guess I learned that the hard way."

"We're going to be okay," he says, resting his forehead against hers. "We have a lot of things we need to talk about. We have a lot of work to do, but we'll get through it."

"I know."

"And when we do," his thumb rubs circles on her lower back, just under the hem of her shirt, and he takes a breath, working up the courage to keep talking. "When we do, whether it's two weeks from now or two years from now, I'm going to ask you to marry me. And I want you to say yes." He pauses for a moment, swallowing a lump in his throat and she takes the opportunity to interrupt him.

"I don't know if I can do this again," she says, tears falling down her face and onto his. "Get pregnant again, I mean," she clarifies. "I don't know when, or even if I'll be ready for that. I can't promise you anything but me."

"That's all I need," he says, his voice cracking, making him sound like Dickie. "I just want to be with you. Please say you want that, too."

"Okay," she whispers, wrapping her arms around his neck and hiding her face against him. "We'll do this."

* * *

TBC 


	7. Epilogue

A/N: Well, it's finally over! This is the epilogue, taking place aproximately 4-5 years after the last chapter ended. I just felt like the last chapter didn't have as happy of an ending as I wanted it to, and I also thought that after chapter 5, I had added enough angst. So here's a nice, fluffy, sickening last chapter to make up for it. Lyrics are from "Everything I Need" by Melissa Ferrick, which happens to also be where I got the title for this fic from.

* * *

_Everything I need is right here... - Melissa Ferrick_

Olivia unlocks the door to the apartment, shutting it quietly, and locks it again. She takes off her jacket and hangs up her now soaked umbrella before walking into the living room, where the TV is still playing loudly. She smiles, seeing Elliot sound asleep on the couch, snoring even louder than the re-run of I Love Lucy that's playing, the remote still in one hand, his cell phone in the other, just in case she calls him.

It's times like these when, despite the loud snoring and the dirty dishes he left on the coffee table, she remembers why she married him.

She reaches for the remote, turning off the TV, and lies down on the couch next to him, half on top of him as she presses a kiss to his neck.

He jerks, waking suddenly, then smiles when he feels her body shake slightly with laughter against his. "Hey, Gorgeous," he whispers, kissing the top of her head. "What time is it?"

"Almost 1:30." She closes her eyes, her head resting against his chest as he reaches one hand into the back pocket of her jeans to hold her closer. "I missed you." Despite the stress of the last few days, she suddenly feels safe and warm and happy just from lying with him on the couch. It kills her that as independent as she likes to think she is, something as simple as his touch can make everything in her life okay again.

"I missed you, too," he tells her, pulling her even closer as he gently rubs her back. "Did you guys close the case or did Don send you home?"

"We closed it," she says, tracing the letters on his Hudson University T-shirt with her index finger. "I don't..." she sighs, dropping her forehead to his shoulder. "I just want to forget about work for a few minutes. I know I need to talk about it, and I will, all you want, but not tonight."

He nods once, then changes the subject. "Did you get something to eat? I put a plate in the refrigerator for you."

"Thank you," she whispers against his neck, both for dinner and for not pressing her to talk. She starts to stand but he stops her.

"I'll get it," he says, slowly getting up off the couch.

"For once, I'm not going to argue with you about waiting on me," she says, yawning. She can't help but smile when he turns around quickly and holds his hand to her forehead for a moment, as if wondering if she's sick. She smacks his chest playfully and follows him into the kitchen. She sits on the counter next to the sink as he warms up a plate of chicken, green beans, and mashed potatoes in the microwave. "How was Trouble today?" she asks, looking down at the blue linoleum instead of at her husband of four years.

"Good," Elliot replies. "He was fine until I made him go to bed and then he told me he couldn't go to sleep until he got a hug and a kiss from you."

She smiles sadly, rubbing her hand over her face. "Is it wrong that I want to go wake him up and cuddle with him?"

Elliot forces her to look at him and sees that her eyes are suddenly filled with unshed tears. "Hey. What's the matter?"

"Nothing," she lies, forcing a small smile. "I've just hardly seen either of you this week."

"You're a horrible liar," Elliot tells her, leaning in to kiss her quickly before taking her dinner out of the microwave. He sets the plate on the counter next to her and hands her a fork. As he, too, sits on the counter with the plate between them, the sound of thunder fills the apartment. "You know, the storm will probably wake him up any minute and he'll be begging to sleep in our bed."

"I know." Olivia leans her head back against the cabinet and turns her face slightly to look at him. "I'm sorry I wasn't home to help put him to bed."

Elliot smiles sadly, reaching for her hand and caressing her palm with his thumb while he speaks. "We've talked about this. We both work, we both miss out on things sometimes. We do all we can, and if we miss putting him to bed once in a while...yeah, it sucks. But we do it the other six nights that week and it's not like it's going to make the difference between him dropping out of high school and going to Harvard."

"God, don't even remind me that he's going to be that old someday," she says, smiling sadly and squeezing his hand as a thank you for his reassurance. She hesitates for a moment, then finally just says it. "Don told me tonight that he's retiring at the end of April," she says, looking down at the floor again instead of at him. "He wants me to take the Lieutenant's exam and apply for his job. He said that as long as I score well he doesn't see why they wouldn't give me the job, even though I won't be a captain yet."

"I think he's right. You'd be great at it, Liv. The brass knows that."

She shrugs, eating the last of her mashed potatoes. "I don't even want to think about it yet. I don't know what I want to do."

"I think you should go for it," Elliot says, leaning in and kissing her. "You know I'll support whatever decision you make and so will Don, but I think you're crazy if you don't even try. You'd be able to be home more, you'd make more money, you'd be off the streets..."

"I know and I've thought about all that. But we both know how good I am at following orders. You think I'm going to be any better at giving them? And it's true I wouldn't be on the streets and I'd make more money, but I also wouldn't have Don there to cut me some slack if Mikey's sick or if I need to leave early. I wouldn't be able to work around things the way I do now. I'd have to be available at all times in case something came up."

"You know, Don doesn't have to be there nearly as much as he is," Elliot argues. "You would be home more, Olivia."

"I'm thinking about it," she says, forcing a smile and squeezing his hand. "Can you believe he's retiring? I didn't think he ever would."

"Did he say what he's going to do with all his free time?"

"He wants to apply to be your son's nanny," Olivia says with a grin. "Mikey would love it."

"Yes, he would," Elliot laughs. "I think Don spoils him more than you do."

"I don't think that's possible," Olivia laughs, leaning against him.

"Liv, seriously," Elliot whispers, kissing her temple as he moves closer to her. "What's going on? I know this is bugging you, but it's more than that and the case. You've been distracted all week."

"Just...everything," she says after a moment, shaking her head. "I've been working so much lately that I hardly ever see you and Mikey anymore and this case just crawled under my skin and hasn't left for days. Then Don giving me this to think about and…" she trails off, unable to find the words to tell him. After a moment, she looks up at him. "I kept something from you. And it's not - I didn't..." she groans, massaging her forehead with her palm. "I just couldn't deal with it yet and so I kept it from you and-"

"Liv, just tell me," Elliot says, raising an eyebrow. "I promise I'll keep my temper under control."

She can't help but smile at his words. "Now, we both know that is unlikely to happen." She leans her head back against the cupboard again and closes her eyes. "I was late," she says, turning her head slightly to look him in the eye. "Five days. Five _fucking_ days."

Elliot's eyes widen and his mouth opens for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. Finally, he asks her. "Was or are?" He doesn't wait for her response. "Are you… Do you think you might be pregnant?"

"I thought so, but I got my period finally," she says, looking across the room at the refrigerator, where pictures their son and his finger paintings cover the surface. "I didn't even think anything of it at first. And I should have told you, I know that, but I didn't want to have to deal with this yet and I figured you'd want me to take the test immediately. I needed a day or two to just let the possibility sink in before I took it."

He nods, kicking her sneaker softly with his white sock-covered foot. "Okay. I'm not mad."

"Really?" She had thought he'd be furious that she didn't tell him the moment the possibility crossed her mind.

"Really," he says with a smile as he looks over at her. "I can respect that. I'm still not happy that you didn't tell me, but I understand." He shrugs. "Are you..." he sighs, unsure of how to ask the question. "Are you glad you're not? Or do you want-"

"If you so much as _think_ about asking me if I want another kid, I'm going to call the doctor's office right now and make you an appointment to have a vasectomy, Elliot Michael Stabler."

He smirks. "Okay. Point taken."

She's silent for a moment, then looks at him again, her eyes filling once more. "I thought I'd be happy, you know? The past three days... I was praying to whoever might be listening to me that it was something else, that I wasn't pregnant. We are not in the right place to have another kid. And when I realized I wouldn't get to put Mikey to bed for the fourth time this week, God, I was so pissed off that I might be pregnant. Because what about Mikey?" Her voice starts to crack as she talks and Elliot resists the urge to put his arms around her. "What about the fact that I don't get to spend enough time with him already? How is it fair to have another baby and spend even less time with him? It's not, you know? And I know that. But then I got my period and I..." she shakes her head, swallowing hard. "God, I am the worst mother ever. How can I even think about having another baby when it would just take us away from him even more?"

"Olivia, that does not make you a bad mother," Elliot argues, shaking his head. "How can you even think that? You are an amazing mother, and wanting, deep down, to have another child doesn't change that and it sure as hell doesn't make you selfish."

She shrugs, resting her head against his shoulder. "We're not having another kid, Elliot. I don't want to, and I don't care how okay with the idea as you are right now, I guarantee that you would see the reality of it the way I do. But. All of that doesn't mean I'm excited about not being pregnant."

He nods, kissing her softly. "If you ever change your mind-"

"You just want to have as much sex as we had when we were trying to get me pregnant with Mikey," she laughs. "But no. I'm forty-three, El, and you're almost forty-five. Another baby at our age? I might not be completely sane after all these years with you, but I'm not that crazy."

He can't help but crack a smile as he gets down from the counter and pours himself a glass of water. "You sure you're okay?" he asks, taking a sip.

"Yeah. I'm just exhausted and emotionally drained. This case… God, I don't even want to go there, and then worrying all week that I was pregnant, and of course, Don has to tell me tonight, of all nights, about his retirement. I just feel like I'm on overload at the moment."

"Did he give you tomorrow off?" Elliot asks, coming to stand between her legs.

She nods. "I was told that if he so much as sees my face in the precinct before Monday, I'm fired." Elliot grins. "I think he was exaggerating, though. Just a thought."

"Well, how about… I call in tomorrow? We can sleep in and make breakfast together and watch movies with Mikey all day. And you and I can sit down and figure out this promotion stuff together. Figure out what makes sense. Sound like a plan?"

"I like the sound of that," she says, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him close. "Have I told you today how much I love you?" she asks after a moment, pulling back slightly to kiss him.

"Hmmm," he says, pretending to think. Another loud clap of thunder fills the apartment and Olivia knows it's only a matter of moments before Mikey's awake. "I think you could probably tell me again. My ego could always use a boost."

As if on cue, the moment she opens her mouth, she hears a cry coming from the other side of their apartment, and a few moments later, a terrified sounding voice calling for Mommy and Daddy.

"We're in the kitchen, baby," she calls, smiling when he runs into the kitchen, dragging the teddy bear Casey gave him when he was born along with him. "What are you doing awake?" she asks, unable to keep the grin off her face now that her son is close.

"Loud," he answers simply, reaching up with both arms, wanting to get as close to his mother as possible. She reaches down, picking him up and holding him close to her, his arms wrapped around her neck and his legs wrapped around her waist. "I sweep wid you an' daddy," he says, his voice giving away the fact that he is still half-asleep. His thumb returns to his mouth and she can feel his soft breathing against her neck as he hides his face against her. "'Kay, Mommy?"

"We'll talk about it," she says, already knowing that she'll give in. "El, what do you think?" From the look in his wife's eyes, he already knows that he's supposed to tell Mikey of course you can, despite his claim earlier in the week that Big Boys needed to sleep in their own beds every night, even if the "monshters" claimed they weren't afraid of Daddy's badge.

"Pweeeeeeeeeese, Daddy?" Mikey asks, turning his head to look at him, still resting against Olivia's shoulder. His bottom lip sticks out in his father's direction. Even at three, he knows exactly who needs convincing in every situation and how best to do it.

Elliot looks at Olivia and raises his eyebrow, shrugging. "You're the one who just got done telling me how exhausted you are. Do you really want little elbows and knees poking you in the side all night long?"

She shrugs, pressing a kiss to the top of her son's head as his breathing steadies and he starts to drift back to sleep against her. "Who needs sleep?" she jokes, reaching for his hand and squeezing it tightly as she continues to rub circles on Mikey's back. "I've already got everything I need."

* * *

The End. 


End file.
